Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published June 14, 2021

Alejandro Bjørnson asks:

Dear Professor Popinjay,

How can I get my children to go to sleep at night so I can have time to read a book, attend to my hygiene, and possibly eat a hot meal?

Dear Bjørnson,

If you have children, you haven’t slept a wink since their conception. It’s a proven fact, the only time humans ever get any sleep is during work and/or class time. Children never want to sleep, not with a wonderful new world before them to disassemble and barf on. Likewise, parents don’t have time to sleep. They’re too busy mopping up after the kids. Perhaps you don’t have children and fancy yourself some kind of Slumber Lord who snoozes on all they survey. If our addled sleep-deprived brains were functioning properly we might have something clever to say to that. Instead let us discover some tips on breaking this vicious cycle.

1: Children Don’t Actually Need Sleep!

Now that I have your attention let’s get serious. While everyone obviously needs sleep, the only actual reason children need to sleep is so you can spend a few hours contemplating your plan of attack once they wake up. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of goldfish crackers found beneath your couch cushions.

Nine to Eleven hours of sleep is necessary for children according to people who don’t have children, but the rest of us know that 4 to 6 hours would be a flippin’ miracle! Ideally, 14 to 16 hours would be divine. Twenty-two to Twenty-three hours of sleep would be preferable but probably excessive.

Kids tend to wake up at the same time everyday no matter when they go to sleep so plan ahead. Putting them to bed an hour after they wake up seems mean but if you feed them a steady stream of carbs the whole time they’re awake they’ll be less likely to get up for a mid-day snack.

2: Waking up is VERY nessesary.

Never sleeping is a concerning behavior but never waking up is even worse. Letting children sleep will not properly prepare them for the real world where no one ever gets sleep. Wake them up and have them get ready for school several hours before they need to be there, even on the weekends and randomly throughout summer. Once in the car they will sleep like Odysseus on the Isle of Circe, I guarantee it. There is no sweeter sleep than the sleep we get when we’re supposed to be awake somewhere else. My logic is undeniable.

3: Take a Page from Pavlov!

Bedtime routines are important for segueing into dreamland. No one wants to be tossed into bed the minute they finish their dinner. Okay some of us would. Heck, I’d love it but I weigh a hefty 17.5 stone so I’m not being tossed without a very clever Archimedean device. Kids like being tossed too but once you start tossing children they don’t want to stop. Best to have a routine that doesn’t involve tossing.

Once a complex ritual is established, complete with drums and incense and chanting, gradually these steps can be reduced until the simple droning of a didgeridoo will cause the children to fall asleep instantaneously and somnambulate toward their beds. That or they’ll start salivating excessively. I forget how Pavlovian responses work.

4. Melatonin for their sins!

Research shows that youtubers and games where you match like-colored candies literally suck melatonin out of your children’s face! If bedtime is imminent stop matching candies and unsubscribe from PewDiePie. PewDiePie is a melatonin vampire and he’ll say anything to get you to send your melatonin to him in plain brown packages. Instead consult your family physician about feeding your children two ephahs of extra strength melatonin before bed each night. Mix it with their nightly peanut butter spoon if their doctor concurs.

And don’t underestimate the MacGuyver-esque ingenuity of these new-fangled children. Most can fashion a WiFi capable video screen from a broken toaster and a leftover pastrami sandwich. They have the screens! Find them!

5: Stress Not the Little Children

As bed-time looms on the horizon, encourage your children to put down the foam swords and cardboard armor. What kid can sleep when, minutes ago, they were genuinely concerned about the dreaded Malgor of Dul’Bor’Ed firing a majik water ball at them? No kid. That’s who!

Instead, calm board games that don’t inspire knockdown drag-out fist fights may be more appropriate. So mainly no Monopoly. Or perhaps play some calming music and have your children do some interpretive dancing. Classical music is best. Avoid bands like Chumbawumba or SuperTramp.

6: Disco Balls Are Not Nightlights

Do you remember sleeping at the last laser light show you attended? Don’t use them in the kids bedroom. Instead of wadded up newspapers or sawdust, clean sheets make comfortable bedding for human children. Speak in a low-toned voice like Barry White and avoid accusation and sarcasm like Faye Dunaway. The goal is to create an atmosphere of peace and sleepiness so save your epic Carpe Diem speech for morning.

7. Saunas are great for clearing your pores and opening your bronchial tubes but you really shouldn’t sleep in one and neither should your children. A standard bedroom can reach up to a million degrees celsius in the summer without proper ventilation. Drop an egg on your child’s forehead. If it instantly turns into a Denver omelette, the room is too hot.

Don’t mummify the kids either. Swaddling is great if you’re born in a cave on the outskirts of Bethlehem but hopefully your house has better climate control. Not too many animals in bed either. A puppy or a kitty is fine but keep the sheep, donkey, and camels outside.

8: Monsters Should Be Afraid of You.

Children are scared of things. Why wouldn’t they be? They’re puny defenseless irrational weaklings. PATHETIC!! But I suppose their concerns should be taken seriously.

The last time one of my brood complained of a monster in the closet I grabbed a baseball bat and with a deadpan expression asked mom to escort all the children from the room and close the door behind them. I then enacted a violent fight with the “monster” complete with yelling, screaming, perhaps a few choice expletives and some feigned thrashing about the room. I finished with a series of fatal blows and then a very long uncertain silence for suspense.

“Okay!” I eventually yelled to the children outside the door. “The deed is done. You can come in.” When the door opened there I stood panting, shirt torn, the room disheveled… I mean more so than usual. The children were so pleased! They would sleep soundly tonight. The monsters would not return this day, nor any day hence.

9: Try Misdirection!

Most parents know that if the word “bedtime” is even whispered behind closed doors the children will go ballistic. Instead try focusing on a magical breathing method that will lull the children into… You know what? This is stupid.

If you’re a parent you know most of this list is a joke even if I was taking it seriously. Sure, there’s some helpful advice hidden here but you know there are going to be good nights and there are going to be fight nights. Some nights you’ll have the energy to contest the kids’ complaints and tactics. Other nights you’ll pass out before they do and you’ll wake up to an overflowing toilet and a special dessert made just for you which you’ll have to scrape off the ceiling. The opportunities to feel like a failure in the midst of this constant struggle will be ever present and you’ll likely take full disadvantage. It was hard when they were babies and it’s hard now. It’s hard because all things worth doing require sacrifice. But you were appointed to this task with full knowledge that you would fail. However you will also succeed. So don’t beat yourself up if bedtime doesn’t just happen. Maybe don’t fight with the kids every night. Just constructively and lovingly help them to feel the consequences of their choices and lead by example. That includes the example of how to be when we fail and when we don’t have all the answers and when someone, even our children, encroaches on our boundaries. Imparting this example is worth a few nights of missed sleep. Train up the child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it. They’re not old right now. And they’re not on a train. They’re in a bounce house. Let them bounce for a while and they’ll tucker out, I promise.

10. Most joking aside, do be aware of signs of sleep disorders. Because if they don’t immediately fall asleep every night without fail there must be a medical problem, right? If you do have concerns don’t just Google it. Talk to an actual doctor… a MEDICAL doctor. They’ll likely first ask if you’ve read this article but they may also recommend a sleep specialist (Slumber Lords, I calls ‘em) who can further assist your children in the fight to sleep tight at night.

Carpe Noctem!

-Professor Popinjay