Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First Published June 5, 2019

Jimburly asks:

My Beloved Popinjay,

Why does eating ice cream make one so thirsty?

Jimburly,

We just spent the whole winter trying to prevent our naughty bits from freezing off and now as summer is upon us all we can do is complain about the heat? Oh how fickle we be! It’s true though. The sun is basically an overbearing sweaty guy with no sense of personal space trying to steal a lick of our popsicle. It’s especially hard on those of us who wear thick woolen coats year round. Lowering external temperatures is an easy enough task. Simply remove all clothing. So long as you maintain your thick woolen coat, who’s to know? But what about lowering our INTERNAL temperatures? Since drinking engine coolant is frowned upon by 6 out of 10 doctors, five of whom were unable to produce viable credentials, our next choice is ice cream!

——-But wait! Whenever we eat that cool creamy refreshing pile of viscous milk and sugar we suddenly find ourselves thirstier than a ShamWow(™) towel! That’s not the desired effect! Ice Cream, you lied to us! Why! WHY!?!

——-To get some insight into this matter we spoke to Orville Morozhnoya who maliciously sells ice cream to unsuspecting passers-by under the bridge on Jefferson street purposefully in the heat of the day. Once a professor of biology at Zhytomyr Universitet, “Orvy” as he is known in five states, was excommunicated from his colleagues for his bizarre theories and unorthodox experimentation much of which involved ice cream… and electroshock therapy.

——-“Is because of salt.” Orvy explained with his thick indistinguishable accent while peering around suspiciously with shifty eyes. “No more questions! Buy ice cream now.”

——-“Orvy! Surely you can expound on that explanation?” I pleaded. “Perhaps my friend President Franklin Delano Roosevelt can persuade you?” I tossed him a dime and Orvy graciously told me all about freezing points and a movie called Osmosis Jones.

——-This may surprise you but Al Gore did NOT invent ice cream. In fact, neither did Martha Washington when she left a bowl of sweet cream on the back porch of the White House one cold winter’s night. She did however attract a bunch of stray felines which George Washington had to chase off with an apocryphal cherry tree branch. The earliest culture to actually claim an origin of an ice cream-like substance are the Chinese in 600 BC, why not? King Tang of Shang (possible namesake for the popular drink and really fun to say) had 94 “ice men” which is 93 more than Professor Xavier could claim. These frigid fellows painstakingly collected ice from nearby mountain tops and concocted a mixture of water buffalo milk, flour and camphor, a bitter crystalline substance because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Needless to say, the kiddies weren’t exactly chasing the frozen water buffalo truck down the street yet but the fact remains, this dish was actually frozen. Our modern ice cream (vile deceiver that it is) isn’t ice at all despite suggested storing temperatures being between -5 degrees and 0 degrees Fahrenheit. So what prevents ice cream from turning into a solid block of frozen milk? If it were booze this would be a very different world. But sadly, no, it’s salt! Just like Orvy said!

——-This salt enters your blood by Osmosis Jones, which in turn triggers the hyppopotamus in your brain to send thirst-rays to your shriveled palpatine oolala. Gradually this chain of reactions results in ice cream parlors installing drinking fountains so patrons will quit pestering employees for jugs of water after sampling their delectables. They might have capitalized on the phenomenon but they took pity, bless their dear little hearts!

——-So next time that annoying sweaty guy in the sky is 93 million miles too close and the heat is taking its toll, are you going to find a cool drink or a giant salt lick? Well according to statistics, you or that hyperventilating friend of yours is going to salty town! On average the standard American (you) consumes 23 pounds of ice cream per year, more if you finished eating your vegetables. Provided you believe everything Dairy Delivers(sm) and the IDFA’s economic impact tool tells you, in 2015, 1.54 BILLION gallons of ice cream were produced in the U.S. contributing more than $39 billion to the national economy. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! But in what months are the highest sales? June and July, the hottest times of the year. Salt it up, you salty sea dogs!

With fond regards,

Professor Popinjay