Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

First published May 11, 2023

Dear Popinjay,

Why do I snore and how can I stop?

Dear Snore-person,

——-Snoring can put stress on any relationship, be it a spouse, your pet aardvark, even that weirdo in your attic. Snoring can even ruin what would have been a romantic ride on the Ferris wheel.

But what is snoring? If you answered: “…a desperate struggle for life as you attempt to wheeze oxygen in and out of your face holes while engaged in a useless facsimile of sleep after being locked in the shed at night by loved ones.” then congratulations! You know what snoring is!

Snoring is as inconvenient and obtrusive as are the solutions. The question is who shall be the victims, yourself and everyone around you or just yourself? Should you choose to be the only one who suffers from your affliction then kudos! You’re not a complete villain.

“But why do I snore? Is it my beautiful Roman nose?” -Clavdivs VI

——-Don’t be stupid! The chances of your nose being from Rome are slim. Besides, your nose is your greatest ally against snoring! Could you imagine how badly Lord Voldemort snores? However, as you grow older and fatter your esophagus degrades from a windpipe into more of a squeakwhistle; a word I just made up. Excessive and improper use of your nose and squeakwhistle will void the warranty. Sexegenarian and Falstafian lifestyles aside, there are other reasons a person might snore. For instance:

1) Enlarged adenoids. Your partner may enjoy your huge adenoids but sadly, they’re not as fun as they look. Any larger than a handful and adenoid reduction should be considered. That or join a community that’s into that sort of thing.

2) Perhaps your schnoz and moyl are blocked by an excess of schmütz, schmeer, or shleym. This will lead to a case of the Shlofntuml, am I right? Of course, right. Talk to your rabbi! Geshvinde!

3) Eating right before bed can be a cause, especially if you’re having a lot of phlegm-producing foods like havarti, provolone, government; basically cheese in general. Also, how you eat can affect things. Just eat it orally. Don’t try to ingest food through your nose. I know it’s right next to your mouth and it shouldn’t matter but trust me, it makes a difference.

4) Do you drink, smoke, and/or inject large amounts of horse tranquilizers? Anyone who’s been to a slumber party has passed these around at least once. Silly human! Horse tranquilizers are for horses! Also, muscle relaxers and barbiturates make you snore I guess?

5) Medications which promote sleep can actually make snoring worse as it is likely you will be sleeping so deeply you won’t care how loud your snoring is. Best to give sleeping medication to the REST of the family so THEY won’t care.

6) Is it possible you’re a werewolf? Lycanthropy can go undetected for quite a while if the victim refrains from nightly rampages. If your snoring sounds more like snarling and howling, you might be a wolf man or wolf lady. Whichever you prefer.

Bonus) If you frequently stop breathing during sleep it could be an indication of one of two things: either sleep apnea or ninjas trying to kill you. A guy dressed in black, crawling on the rafters above you is a good indication of the latter. Alternatively, apnea can cause fatigue and sleepiness while engaged in tennis matches and other inopportune moments. In the case of apnea consult a physicist.

While an apothecary or Archmage should always be consulted concerning problems with your double-barreled face trumpet, there are some DIY remedies you might try; nose-hacks, I calls ’em:

1) The contrived devices which claim to prevent snoring are as various as they are bizarre. Just imagine any protruding obscene shape. Now stick it in your face and try to sleep. That’s an anti-snoring device. If it doesn’t work, hide it beneath your bed and get another. If your children, mother, and/or local clergy are not scandalized by the enigmatical purpose and sheer number of these devices you’ve stowed, you’re doing it wrong.

2) Don’t sleep with your neck craned 120° and your body stacked on top of your head with one foot tied to the ceiling. Your spouse may find it entertaining but that’s not a comfortable position and you’re blocking your blowholes… well, the ones used for breathing anyway. Also don’t sleep on your back. That’s too comfortable and your epiglottis gets lazy. Make your epiglottis earn its keep by regularly gargling heavy liquids such as molasses, mercury, or pahoehoe. Alternatively you can buy a special pillow. Preferably one WITHOUT your favorite waifu printed on it this time.

3) Sometimes just sleeping in a better position can help. Once you’ve chosen the best position to prevent snoring, have your children fill the rest of the bed with lego and strawberry jam. This will ensure you will not change positions throughout the night.

4) You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. Pick friends who pick your nose. Clearing nasal passages is essential to breathing. Trust me, I used to be a coal miner! Interpret that however you wish.

5) Don’t sleep in dry places like the Mojave (mō-JĀV) or some other desert. Moisture is good for nasal membranes like the ones in most noses. Have you ever heard a whale snore? Of course not! Whales have taken moisturizing to a ridiculous degree. So should you.

6) No one really wants to lose weight but decreasing fatty fatty fat fat tissues in your neck can help you stop snoring AND make you look like handsome Squidward to boot! That’s a win win!

7) Quit snorkeling! Snorkeling aggravates the S-spot in your schnoz tunnel. There are many products and organizations which can help you stop snorkeling. Second-hand snorkeling can be even worse. Snorkeling can… wait… oh man, that was supposed to say “smoking” not “snorkeling”! Boy do I feel dumb. Well, what’s done is done. Let’s move on.

Once you inevitably learn how ineffective any of these methods are, consult your tertiary physician or an otolaryngolosopher. They’ll be more than happy to strap a contraption to your face and pick your pocket but more importantly, they might actually try to help you prevent snoring. There are medical methods that can be effective if you’ve got foldin’ money.:

1) The CPAP Machine: (Constricting Pipes Asphyxiating Patient) Okay, I won’t perpetuate preconceived notions here. The headgear used with the Continuous Positive Airway Pressure machine has come a long way and manifests in a variety of surprisingly comfortable formations. The machine itself is so quiet you’ll barely notice it unless it should randomly explode witch, “doctors” have assured me, almost never happens.

2) LAUP: Say it with me, “Oov-YOO-lo-PAL-AY-sho-PLAS-tee”. No it’s not a new song from Mary Poppins. It’s when the doctors shoot lasers into your mouth until you stop snoring. It’s quite the incentive.

3) The Pillar procedure can be effective. Basically an old prospector sets up supports in your throat to prevent a collapse while saying things like “consarn it!” And “Land o’ Goshen! These old knees o’ mine t’ain’t what they used to be.” If getting this procedure, be mindful of any gold fillings you may have.

Snoring can become a slippery slope in a relationship. Sleeping in separate rooms may seem like a solution but let’s be real, the only reason anyone is even in a relationship is so they don’t have to sleep alone. It’s boring otherwise. Who will you awaken out of a dead sleep when you have your 3 AM epiphanies? Speaking of which, interrupted sleep can cause symptoms akin to alcohol intoxication. Losing quality sleep and then trying to deal with an equally deprived mate is like tying your hands behind your back and attempting to solve a Rubik’s Cube. In either case there’s a lot of biting involved.

Don’t be content to let your lack-of-sleep partner do all the work while they completely wrap your head in duct tape. Take an active role in finding a solution for yourself. Otherwise your partner may conclude you actually like snoring and are purposefully trying to destroy them. These are not the things a person likes to hear on a first date.

Find the right time to talk about it. Preferably when neither of you are exhausted… so, yeah, good luck with that. And be honest but constructive. Don’t add unnecessary insults, you moron! Be nice! Remember, this is no one’s fault. If you absolutely MUST blame someone, pin it on one of your kids… or Tommy Lasorda.

Here are some funny things you can say to help ease the tension on the delicate issue:
-You sound like a chainsaw cutting through a fifty gallon drum full of Tasmanian devils.!
-If you snored any louder we’d tie you to a buoy to ward off misdirected oil tankers.
-We’d use you as a deer-scare but we’re afraid you’d attract horny bears.

Finally, always remember: Even if you or your partner snore louder than a pair of Z28 engines, there is no excuse for abuse. Be it pugilistic, elbowtastic, scrotalslapstick, bootysmacktrick, or verbalspasmic; except when mutually enjoyed by both parties, abuse is abuse. If your partner is kicking you in your buttocks because of your snoring, don’t let things escalate. Write your congressman immediately.