Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

First published May 5, 2018

10: Everyone knows merely holding hands can result in hundreds of babies suddenly firing out of you at a moment’s notice but did you know having an argument with your partner works just as well!?!

9: Don’t worry! The tickle fights your parents are having behind closed doors will not result in a baby. They only have babies when you misbehave.

8: It takes a lot of special parts to make a baby, parts most people don’t just have. If you see a lot of nondescript packages arriving in the mail look out! It might be baby making time!

7: People generally don’t like to talk about sex. This is both because and the reason why no one has any idea what it’s really supposed to be.

6: As with avoiding the topic of sex, it’s also preferred to avoid the topic of politics so as to not offend someone who takes a different position. Position is very important during sex. Often times, if a couple cannot meet eye to eye in a position, they’re not likely to have any fun, let alone a baby. Democrats and Republicans rarely produce any offspring together because their positions are too radically different.

5: Sex can be very complicated if you choose. Often times the more complicated you make it, the more enjoyable it is. “The journey is the destination.” -Deepak Chopra

4: If you’re not having sex do not fret. Usually someone else has it covered. Besides, once you start having sex regularly it becomes more of a chore, like smoking. This is why many people smoke after sex. They don’t want to do it but they’re addicted and quitting is a long arduous process, not to mention expensive.

3: Be honest about your sexuality early on in a relationship. This way the other person can know what a freak you are right from the start and not gradually grow more and more horrified as the relationship drags on. If the person runs away screaming, remember they are not likely playing a sexy game and they genuinely want to escape.

2: Aside from certain exceptions, fetishes are generally acceptable in the bedroom even while being faux pas in public. Keep in mind however that they can also be very restrictive. Finding opportunities to have sex is difficult enough as it is. Add to that the fact that you only get aroused atop a water tower during a full moon and your window for sex as you like it just got very slim.

1: Never consider yourself unattractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder! There is always someone out there looking for someone just like you and now, thanks to the internet, those weirdos have formed communities. Go find them you weirdo!