Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

First published March 15, 2018

Bunch a’ Crap You Probably Already Knew About Oats. Read Just to Confirm.
By Prof. Popinjay

—–Whole grain oats were prepared for consumption as far back in history as 8,000,000,002 B.C. as indicated by cave paintings depicting cave children refusing to eat bowls full of oats.
—–Oats were used in ancient China and Greece as a quick way of hiding cracks in the wall plaster before relatives came over. They sure as heck weren’t eating them.
—–Oats are cheap and useful, which is likely why 75 percent of Americans eat them for breakfast or keep them in their cupboards when they have more interesting things to eat. So usually they’re kept in the cupboards. The remaining 25 percent of Americans keep oats at the store.
—–Considering oats are plant-based, they’re one of the easier foods to consume when being forced at gunpoint to adopt a more plant-based diet, particularly when compared with the only alternative, clay bricks.
—–One 18 ounce package of oats contains over 37,000,000 rolled oats. Imagine and despair at the years you’ll dread that bemused Quaker staring at you while you choke down yet another pop-tart, day after day. And to think the barrel of oats only cost you 15 cents and the pop-tarts were 3.98 and yet you prefer the pop-tart. That 15 cent barrel could feed a family of six for a decade but you ate all four pop-tarts just this morning. What will you eat tomorrow? Time to go the store for more pop-tarts. Sorry Mr. Quaker.
—–Employing a slow-cooker is a great way to save time by cooking oatmeal overnight. This way you can cut out the middleman and simply throw them away in the morning.
—–Oats have been linked to preventing heart disease provided you actually eat them… eat Oats I mean, not hearts. Science and magic agree, when the oat food is eaten just once, they prevent heart disease indefinitely and imbue the consumer with phenomenal telekinetic powers so far as you’ll ever know. Just leave out the chocolate syrup, jolly-ranchers, and twinkies so as to counteract the feelings of omnipotence you’re likely to experience. You won’t need those thanks to ingredients like soy milk, wheat grass, yeast-germ, nut oil, and organic deer turds!
—–Just one gallon of oats per day has over 206 percent of your recommended amount of biotin as stated by oat tycoons. Biotin is a powerful placebo that can clone your metabolism so you’ll have two working in tandem, but it will also give you fabulous hair, nails, and junk, and who doesn’t want that? No one doesn’t want that! That’s who did! —–Oats are also a source of protein, which arouses your collagen producers and keeps your buttocks squishy and warm. That’s right, the next time you think about passing up that dull cup of oats, just remember your squishy warm buttocks.