Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published Aug 14 , 2020

Dear Professor Popinjay,

What is Intermittent Fasting?

Dear Fast Person,

    [Professor Popinjay is neither a doctor nor has he played one on TV. He claims he’s SEEN a doctor on TV but insists the guys in striped shirts who blow whistles at sporting events are doctors. While he has done extensive research on the subject of Intermittent Fasting, he has admittedly discarded much of it as it was all insidiously boring.]

      A new diet craze is sweeping the nation! It’s called Intermittent Fasting. Basically it means instead of shoveling a perpetual avalanche of food into your face, you take a break every once in a while. It’s revolutionary! If you’re like most Americans, you consume no less than 15 meals throughout a 24 hour period. Intermittent Fasting suggests you cram those 15 meals into a mere 8 hour window. Well not really but that’s what I’m doing anyway.

      What benefits does Intermittent Fasting provide to you and those in your immediate vicinity? If you would just keep quiet and stop asking stupid questions I’ll tell you!

        1. Intermittent Fasting Can Help You Shed Gallons of Lard in a matter of minutes!

     While many who try Intermittent Fasting are just doing it to look cool and fit in with their hoodlum friends, some are actually trying to lose weight. Can you imagine!?!

      Instead of that whole hog you’re consuming en mass, give it a rest and stick an electron microscope down that cavernous gullet (you won’t know until you try). What you’ll eventually see is your body rapidly healing itself a la X-men’s Wolverine and more easily accessing stored body fat a la X-Men’s the Blob. Basically if you stop the food train, your body switches from eating your third footlong meatball sub to just eating you. Either your body eats you or the zombies eat you. You’ll be losing weight either way but Intermittent Fasting says “Screw you, Zombies!”

      Theoretically, intermittent fasting should make you eat less but you’ll be hangry longer so that’s the trade off. Try not to kill anyone between meals… nor during meals if you can help it. Squeeze a stress ball to stave off the inevitable destructive rampages.

     Ironically, this kind of diet also upgrades hormone function which helps weight loss (offset by the weight of rapid hair growth) and it makes you irresistible to your hairy sweetheart; also certain types of water fowl.

      Increased amounts of Norepinephrine (the pineapple deity) turns your big ol’ booty into a white hot grease fire of pure energy, able to power a small city for a week straight. But you get to use that energy at your own discretion. Why not give Disco another chance?

       Intermittent Fasting is simple math really. Subtract calories, add movement, multiply metabolic processes, divide by the square root of the hormonal exacerbation amaturized by the fiscal year, carry the remainder and round to the nearest glucagon cotangent! That equals weight loss! It’s easy!

2: No more pesky death from illness or conventional weapons.

Everyone loves a sweetie but if your insulin resistance is too high you might be too damn sweet! You’re like a mix between Little Debbie and a Pekingese! Time to strap on the salt lick and take it down a notch, you nut bar!

A spoonful of sugar might make the medicine go down but it also makes the blood sugar go up. That’s why Wilfred Brimley was so lovable. Diabetus!

       One inhumane study revealed that intermittent fasting prevented your kidneys from exploding! Hooray! Just imagine all the wonderful things you can do with your kidneys now!

     Studies have also shown intermittent fasting can help inflammation. However, the same study was ambiguous as to whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

     It should be noted that despite our best efforts, some differences between genders persist. For instance, a three week long study of Intermittent fasting female creatures, including certain humans, showed continued and exacerbated blood sugar issues such as food comas, dizziness, and delusions of grandeur. I’d like to know what their control was in this experiment because that describes pretty much every human I know, male, female, or what have you.

3: You will live for 1,006 years… give or take.

       Turns out eating weird garbage is what makes you look like the Crypt Keeper but less healthy.

        Wee beasties that hide inside your Hot Pocket totally Trojan horse your ass and start beating your DNA like a piñata full of hundred dollar bills. These wee beasties are at once unstable, radical, and free to do as they please once you invite them in, just like Count Dracula and probably Charlie Sheen.

4. Your Heart Will Become A Blood Pumping Little Freak! 

    A great benefit of Intermittent Fasting is how awesome your blood will become! And you’ll have buckets of it! Not that nasty crap you’ve been pumping through your so-called veins either! Good blood! Blood that actually does something! Thick juicy donut-shaped blood!

      That’s what we assume anyway. Many of these tests were performed on labradoodles and chiweenies so it’s hard to say what the effect on humans will be. Personally if it makes labradoodles happy it’s alright in my book.

5. Intermittent Fasting Makes Cells Reproduce Like a Brace of Nymphomaniacal Coneys!

    Tired of losing fingers and toes to frostbite and leprosy? I assume Intermittent Fasting can fix all of that without the inconvenience of turning you into a giant anthropomorphic lizard. Finally! 

6. Intermittent Fasting May Help Prevent Cancer

Yes, you heard it here folks. Intermittent Fasting simultaneously causes the regeneration of cells and the slowing of cell growth. Okay, so it’s out with the bad cells and in with the good. That makes sense when you’ve put a halt on hot dog consumption. Everybody knows hotdogs consist of pure cancer. Tasty little buggers though, ain’t they? 

7: Intermittent Fasting Speeds Up Your Neural-Net Processor! 

     Irritated by your lack of brain cells? Trust me. We all are.

      Several studies in filthy no-good low-down God-forsaken dirty sleazy rats have shown that intermittent fasting may grow new nerve cells, which might benefit brain stuff doing for brain like, you also? I could go for some of those new brain cells right now actually. They certainly would have made writing this article easier.

For actual information on Intermittent Fasting do a Google search!