Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published January 5, 2019

Brian Pavey asks:
Professor Popinjay,
Why are hot dogs called hot dogs?

Dear Brian,
—–The origin of sausage dates as far back as ancient Sumeria when one day an ancient Sumerian (Tim), tired of chasing and chewing on pigs for sustenance, decided to make life easier for us all by grinding the pig into a fine paste and squirting it into a twelve foot long intestine with which former pig came previously equipped. Convenient! A week later 7-11 stores were on every street corner selling these sausages to unsuspecting passers-by.
—–As there are a stupid variety of animals, there have been, ipso facto, a stupid variety of sausage. However the one variety that would lend itself so well to American expansion was at one time known as the frankfurter; named, of course, after the antagonist Dr. Frank-N-Furter of Rocky Horror fame for regrettably obvious reasons.
——Come 18th century, a butcher named Johann Georg Lahner would smuggle these sausages into Vienna via extremely roomy lederhosen. After adding beef, chicken, turkey, emu, wolverine, aardvark, racoon, kangaroo, unicorn, possum and just a smidgeon of dachshund (which accidently fell into the mixer while chasing the possum), these sausages became famously known as Wiener Würsten which literally translates as “Worst Meat of Vienna”. To this very day Vienna sausages are canned and sold in stores as a practical joke to be played on anyone foolhardy enough to purchase them. Naturally the term dog has been associated with sausages ever since Lahner’s 18th-century neighbors noticed his aptly named “Weiner” dog was missing.
——-The Dachshund (pronounced “DOX-hoont” and don’t you dare let me hear you pronounce it any other way) was the direct result of canine/sausage interbreeding and resembled its cylindrical progenitor so completely it made sense to also name it after nasty Austrian tubal meat parts. As the origin of these names were lost to antiquity, synonymy prevailed and we found ourselves fraught with the conundrum “Which was called wiener first, the sausage or the dog?”. Many dogs and foods are named for their place of origin and the Wiener Würst and Wiener dog are no exception. For no other reason but irony, hot frankfurters (or Wieners) (or dogs) were called hot dachshunds and inversely, dachshunds (or Wieners) (or sausages) were called hot dog dogs. As you can see, this became rather confusing which is why Caesar Marcus Aurelius shut the whole wiener business down and decreed that henceforth wieners, frankfurters, dachshunds, and sausage shall be differentiated solely by temperature. Thus we have the hot dog and alternatively, the dog.

Glad I could help you sort that out Brian!
Sincerly, Professor Popinjay