Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published June 21, 2018

—–As most children know, whining is the best way to get what you want with gusto! From candy to back flips, the slightest whiny sound from a child will make most parents hop to and deliver! Are there really better ways to communicate? Certainly, but they’re nowhere near as enjoyably to all parties involved as whining!
—–But perhaps a child is communicating more than their immediate wants and needs with whining. Trying to find out what’s wrong with a child by talking to them is like interrogating a criminal. They’re not going to just tell you what’s the matter until you put them under a hot lamp and tempt them with a cool glass of water. They might have had a five-way trident fight on the playground that day and they won’t say a thing about it but then a sibling will sit in their favorite spot and get gored by a trident. Where did that come from? It definitely came from somewhere. Tridents don’t just materialize in the hands of a four year old.
—–Whining can be indicative of discomfort or difficult situations at school or home or at the billiards hall or poker lounge. It can also mean the child simply needs to be hosed down, given a big spoon full of cod liver oil and put to bed. Then again it might be none of these. It may just mean they figured out how to dangle you on a string like a wooden doll who wishes to become a real boy. Whatever the cause, whining has to stop before they have to get a job, so by five years old at the latest.
—–First, make an attempt to remember your child’s name. It always makes them feel more secure if they believe you’re somewhat aware of them. Implying that you at the very least are aware they do indeed have a name of some sort can make all the difference.
—–Secondly, make sure you listen to your child, whatever her name is. Not every sound they make is innocuous jibber-jabber. In fact there are brief instances when a child can be quite profound. In these moments try to resist the urge to punish them. Instead, hear what they have to say or else they may resort to a more ostentatious method of communication later. It will likely be whining but it could be running away and joining a gypsy circus, or filling your attic with plague rats. Kids can be amazingly resourceful these days.
—–Once the child has expressed his or herself, now is the time for punishment. Just kidding. Now is the time to repeat what you understood. It will likely be nothing because your child only speaks in emojis but take a stab at it anyway. Who knows? You might hit the nail on the head simply by winds of chance. Either way, the child will be glad you listened and perhaps a hearty hug will be your reward. But keep one hand on your wallet… just in case.
—–Whining should never yield results. Doing as you are asked in a whiny voice is like saying “Okay! I’m just a big idiot that does whatever my four-year-old says because I can’t stand to hear my darling little angel be even remotely upset! Derp-De-Derp-De-Derp!” Well I got news for you, chump! Your darling little angel is playing you for a cookie dispensing fool! Grow a backbone and stand up to that pushy conniving Machiavellian kindergartener! Don’t get angry you block headed simpleton! Simply wait for her to use a normal polite request while speaking in rhyme and iambic pentameter. Gradually you will see the child abandon whining and adopt even more devious underhanded ways of getting what she wants but at least the whining will have stopped and that’s all that matters.
—–Always give your children attention. It’s what they crave and if they don’t get it from you they will get it elsewhere and that is a comforting thought to no parent. Remember, Pokémon is a gateway drug.