Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published Sept 4, 2017

Matthew Boyd asks:
Professor Popinjay,
If animals could talk, which would be the rudest?

Dear Matt,
——-Easy answer: If animals could talk, the rudest would still be humans. But I’ll assume you mean to exclude humans from that assessment because we are after all superior to the lower life forms on the planet and therefore should be exempt from comparison with them, lousy vermin that they are.
——-To truly consider this question and not simply conclude that the answer is cats, we need to unpack just what rudeness is on an instinctual level. Rude behavior in humans is often the result of insecurity; a fear that, should we not present ourselves as large and fierce, we will be attacked and devoured by that emaciated teenager working the fast-food drive-up window. If we do not act like an ostentatious asshole, the pretty young lady at the adjacent tailgate party will not want to propagate the species with us. When animals are acting this way, it is because they either feel threatened or they want to boink like Bonaparte on Bastille Day.
———Be it humans or animals, the instinctual desire to live and thrive is unanimous but is it possible one animal is more unanimous than the rest of us? Yes, and believe it or not, it’s not the cat. Cats were deified by the Egyptians and then the internet and acting the way they do is their right. No, when the animals start talking, it is the peacock that will demand to speak to the manager. But let’s not be hypocritical. You know exactly what you’d be doing if you had a butt full of beautiful feathers that fanned out 10 feet in all directions every time you got angry or horny.

Hope that answers your question!
Sincerely, Professor Popinjay.