Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published Aug 1, 2021
By Professor Popinjay

1: WEIRD FACES
Unusual as it has been to see normal faces uncovered by masks, you might see a lot of weird faces too. Remember when the doctor and nurses took their masks off in the Twilight Zone? I don’t think we’ll all look like scary pig people. I’m just saying some might. We’ve grown accustomed to our faces being hidden and with that came the freedom to make whatever face we want behind said mask. I for one had a constant completely voluntary doofus over-bite hidden behind my mask which I secretly projected toward all I met. Breaking the habit is not going to be easy.

2: HUGGERS
We all have that friend who hugs everyone. Family, friends, strangers, statues. If it’s shaped like a human, your friend will hug it. They’ve not been okay during the pandemic. You may have caught them covertly hugging a standing coat rack behind closed doors. Don’t shame them. They’re trying to cope. However, with the pandemic over, the beast will out! You will be hugged and hugged thoroughly. They’ll think YOU need this. But this hugging frenzy is for them. Let it wash over you for their sake.

3: EATERS
People are going to eat next to you. When I was in high school a dear but awkward friend used to stare right at me while dipping his hotdog in a cup of cheese literally inches from my face. On several occasions I felt compelled to plant my hand firmly on his own face and push him back to arm’s length so that I could eat in peace. If this happens to you, chances are good you know my friend Evan. I don’t know anybody else who does this. On the less extreme end of the spectrum, there will be people dining at the booths next to yours so reconsider before tossing corn cobs and soiled napkins over your shoulder.

4: SQUEEMISH
The war with COVID may be close to over but some soldiers may still be holding out in their bunkers. That’s okay! The world has been through a harrowing time. If you see a person wearing a hazmat suit and avidly distancing, try not to cough or sneeze around them. They may attempt to hose you down with disinfectant.

5: IDIOTS
No matter your position on whatever issue, you will inevitably encounter someone who is completely misinformed and overly vocal. Just remember, it’s hard to chase a parked car and arguing with someone usually only succeeds in convincing a person of their own convictions. Be the better person. Don’t fight fire with gasoline. Just walk away. Laugh derisively while doing so if it makes you feel better, but walk away nevertheless.

6: SOMETHINGS MIGHT BE MORE DIFFICULT
If you got a job in the middle of the pandemic, sure, you might not have to do all the work from inside a hermetically sealed acrylic box anymore but you might have to actually work with customers for longer than the time it takes to give them their to-go orders and tell them to GTFO. They might leave a mess in the lobby. They might sit in a booth jawing long after you’ve turned off the lights. They might have to be removed forcibly by two of the cooks and a manager. Oh the stories I could tell you!

7: INEXPERIENCE
On the flipside, if you find yourself on the other side of the checkout counter, you’re likely to encounter employees who have no idea what a customer is. It’s okay to help them along. Just be patient. Show them some money. Point out the little inscription that denotes it as legal tender minted by the government. Explain that it can be exchanged for goods and services. Go ahead! Your assistance is sure to be met with appreciation and wonder!

8: NICE PEOPLE
Believe it or not there will be people who are genuinely relieved that the pandemic is over and will express this relief by way of being exceptionally nice to everyone they meet. Try not to ruin this for them. Thanks.

9: NOT SO NICE PEOPLE
For others, this pandemic hasn’t been like the other more enjoyable pandemics and these people have spent much of their time being terribly disappointed by that. In fact they’re downright surly. Even after the world has returned to sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, these select few (approximately 2 billion people) will still be mad the virus got the one up on us for a while and they’ll be looking to take it out on you. Try to refrain from destroying them verbally. I might suggest introducing them to the HUGGER.