Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published April 19, 2018

——-Invented by a student at the University of Virginia, High-Five Day now marks the commencement of the “High-Five-a-Thon” to raise money for charitable organizations such as The Center for Treatment of Too Many High-Fives.
——-Psychological studies have revealed that celebratory human contact such as high-fives or recreational spanking is great for team morale, especially in sports where paddles are involved. The spectators like it too!
—— There are a number of debatable origin stories for the high-five. Some surmise it evolved from prisoners playing a game of pattycake that got out of hand. Others speculate two rival women were in a slap fight and after a simultaneous swing and miss by both parties, their hands met in the middle. So exhilarating was the feeling of instant camaraderie, they exchanged a wry grin, joined forces and turned against the man they were fighting over.
——-The high-five is considered by many to be the standard form of plutonic bible-approved “skin-slappage” while the low-five is regarded as the lazy deadbeat step-father. Engaging in one form while neglecting the other is faux pas in most soccer-oriented societies.
——High-fiving yourself is perfectly acceptable, even when done in public. Sometimes you want to celebrate but there’s no one nearby you want to touch even remotely, like when riding the city bus or during Thanksgiving Dinner. In this case feel free to slap yourself some skin right there in the midst of uncool friends and family and turkey alike. Alternatively, the long-distance high-five is equally acceptable albeit not as satisfying and will likely result in some relational edginess if continued to excess. After an extended series of long-distance high fives be sure to find the person later and give them a couple of good hard slaps.