First published April 8, 2016
YOU SUGGESTED THE MOVIE TITLES AND LINES, I Shakespearized them! Here we go!
Die Hard:
Shakespearean Title: Thou Shalt Not with Ease Make Worm’s Meat of Me.
“I do theft with proficiency, and, yea, have now undertaken prisoners, so, were I thee, I would hold my tongue!”
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn:
Shakespearean Title: Star Trek the Second: The Madness of Khan
“The needs of many doth outweigh that of few. Yea, even one.”
Predator
Shakespearean Title: The Unearthly Hunter
Gravedigger: That same skull is Yorik’s skull, the king’s jester.
Predator: Clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety-click.
Gravedigger: Indeed, sir.
Sir Arnold: GET THEE TO THE CHOPPER!”
The Princess Bride:
Shakespearean Title: The Midsummer Night’s Princess
Inigo: Thou seemest a valorous cousin. I would misprise to killeth thee.
Wesley: Thou, too, seemest a valorous cousin. I would misprise to purchase the farm, as ‘twer.
The Sicilian: Inconceivable!
Inigo: So frequently thou dost employ this word. Me thinks it means not what thou thinkest.
“We’ll not survive!”
“Fiction! Thou speakest this only on thy knowledge that none who have attempted this live presently.”
Inigo: Who art thou?
Wesley: I beeth one inconsequential.
Inigo: Prithee, tell for know I must!
Wesley: Become ye acquainted with unfulfillment.
Hook:
Shakespearean Title: Hook’s Hand Lost
“Peter Pan hath thired offthpring?”
Captain James Hook: The hour is upon me! Hinder me not this hour, Smee. Hinder me not this hour. Darest thou to hinder me not this hour, Smee, avail to hinder me. Smee, thou hadst better alight thyself of thy posterior! Get thee here, Smee! Prevent me! This be not a jest! I’m undertaking a thing like death!
SHAKESPEARIZED MOVIES PART THE SECOND!!!
Every Batman movie ever.
-Batman (1966)-
Batman: Fortuitous that I should have my fial of Bat-shark repelent.
-Batman (1989)-
Joker: Now we come to it. Beauty consorts with Beast. Though, should another dub thee Beast, I shall remove of him a pound flesh.
-Batman Returns-
Max Schreck: Bruce Wayne? Why dost thou masquerade as Batman?
Catwoman: The Batman he be, thou fool!
-Batman Forever-
Riddler: Harken ye, Two-face! Tutor me in the art of pugilism!
Two-Face: Thus it begins with ease, knave. Harden thy hand, extend distance betwixt thee and thy target, and lastly with speed exert thyself thither.
-Batman and Robin-
Mr. Freeze: Now is the summer of my discontent made glorious winter by this gun of ice!
-Batman Begins-
Falcone: In mourning thy sire and his wife, thy mother, both having met Charon untimely, thou thinkest thee bereft of all value and so undertake acts of madness but hast thou considered? Thou considereth not thy manservant, Alfred, nor thy childhood companion now Town Solicitor. Men liken to thee have much to lose indeed.
-The Dark Knight-
Joker: Panic ensueth not when a plan goeth well even when monstrous that plan be. On the morrow should I proclaim the impending demise of a scoundrel, or say a battalion of guards shall meet with fire and death, still panic ensues not as the plan it were. However, should I proclaim the imminent end for one tiny prince suddenly madness takes all.
Joker: Let me inflict a smile upon thy face!
-The Dark Knight Rises-
Bane: There be method to this dungeon likening to the vilest of all Earthly Hades… ‘Tis hope. Through the ages, all here ensnared turn their eyes heavenward and fancy freedom. “Tis a climb made with ease” thinkest they. But like unto castaway men overcome with thirst who imbibeth the sea, tis many who meet the fates in this endeavor. Tis hither I hath learned there be no veritable despair apart from hope. Therefore, as I antagonize Gotham, so shall I bestow unto her people hope that it may be venom to their souls.
Talladegah nights:
Shakespearean Title: A Talldegah Night’s Dream.
“I know not what my hands should do whilst idle.”
300:
Shakespearean Title: The Tragedy of King Leonidas and His Army of 300
“THIS BE SPARTA!!!”
(Well that was easy. NEXT!)
Rocky Balboa
Shakespearean Title: The Labors of Rocky
Rocky Balboa: Let me speak thine own wisdom again to thee. This world be not gaiety and frivolity. Verily, ’tis a cruel and decadent place and I care not how stalwart thou art, thou shalt undertake such blows as will topple thee to thy knees and there shalt thou remain should thee allow. Neither thou, nor I, nor any man will strike thee with such force as thine own life. But it matters not how thee fighteth back. It matters only what blows thee may take and yet sally forth. In this, victory is thine.
(I’d wager real money Stalone could not say this.)
Snakes on a Plane-
Shakespearean Title: Serpents on a Skyworthy Vessel.
“These wretched serpents upon this Oedipal vessel doth much vex me!
SHAKESPEARIZING MOVIES PART THREE!!!
Aliens:
Shakespearean Title: Much Ado About Aliens
Newt: Creatures of the nightal hunt they mostly be… mostly.
Hudson: Ends the game, man! ENDS THE GAME!!!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
Shakespearean Title: Horatio Potter and the Flagon Aflame.
Voldemort: The Boy-Survived. How thy legend hath grown fat on falsity. Wouldst thou learneth the truth of thirteen years past? Shall I regaleth thee with the story of my powers lost? ‘Twere love that rendereth me impotent. Upon the lady’s life sacrifice, Lily Potter, dear and sweet, bestowed a protection most complete. Spoil or blemish her sole offspring could I no more. ‘Twere an incantation most ancient, I should have seen afore. Fie, fie! Alas, but events doth sway. SPOIL THEE NOW… I MAY! How now, what thy scarlet drops may do!
Galaxy Quest:
Shakespearean Title: Star-Crossed Players
Taggert: Never abandon thine undertakings, Never forfeit thy victory!
Professor Snape: By Grabthar’s Hammer, what fortuitous bargains this merchant doth offer!
Pink Panther:
Shakespearean Title: The Clotpole Inspector
Clouseau: (with exaggerated french accent) Hast thou en sleep chamber?
German Concierge: I knowth not what be a slip shombear.
Clouseau: (Reads German translation booklet) The Goths doth say ein Schlafraum!
German Concierge: How now! Thou desireth a sleep chamber!
Clouseau: In deed! Tis such that I have spoken afore, thou ninny! (Takes room key. Notices dog.) Dost thine hound bite the thumb?
German Concierge: Nay.
Clouseau: (Goes to pet dog and is bitten.) Thou sayeth thine hound biteth not but, alas, I am bitten! Verily, thine dog has had his day!
German Concierge: This hound which biteth thee be not my own.
I, Robot
Shakespearean Title: I, Automaton
Detective Spooner: “NYPD!! Smite Thy Brigand Buttocks Earthward! (It makes even less sense in it’s original form.)
Sonny: Me thinks death a thing best avoided. Dost Thou?
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Shakespearean Title: Star Trek the Sixth: The Yet New Word
General Chang: I be true as the North Star!
Dr. McCoy: Veritable ducats would I give to entice the ceasing of his mouth.
Last Action Hero
Shakespearean Title: Entre the Play, Exit the Player
Benedict: Hark! I hath this moment slain a man and so with all deliberation! I say again, I hath smitten him unto death and now wish to make confession!
Local Resident: Keep thee quiet! Thou doth offend my slumber with thy pointless ramblings!
SHAKESPEARIZING MOVIES PART THE FOURTH!
Rush Hour:
Shakespearean Title: With speed Hour, Ho!
Captain Diel: At times it doth behoove us to reacquaint these citizens with our maintained talent for destruction of feces.
Carter: Thou art damnably right, by God!
Carter: This beeth not a Democracy.
Lee: Yea, but ’tis!
Carter: Nay, tis not! Tis the United States of James Carter. The President be I, yea, the Emperor, yea, the King! I beeth Michael Jackson, thou art Tito. I own thy posterior!
When Harry Met Sally:
Shakespearean Title: Whereupon Henry collideth with Sarah:
Harry: I love thine coldness in tepid air. I love the hour and half thou requireth to decide upon a sandwich. I love the folds upon thy nose formed whereupon thou regardeth me as mad. I love the bouquet of thine sweet perfume lingering upon my vestments at the marrow’s eve. I love my desire to speak lastly to thee before my nightly slumber. Such is not for loneliness, nor the New Year’s dawn. I am come this night for whereupon one doth realize the desire to live out one’s days with another, one wisheth the remainder of one’s days to begin forthwith!
Sally: Henry, thou must endeavor to refrain from speaking all feelings contained within upon the moment they are birthed.
Pulp Fiction:
Shakespearean Title: Vulgar Mockery
Jules: Me thinks the lady’s most valued asset beeth her playing in a pilot.
Vincent: Pilot? What beeth a pilot?
Jules: Knowest thou the plays at the Globe?
Vincent: I attendeth not the Globe.
Jules: Verily, but art thou aware of a place called Globe wherein plays are played?
Vincent: Verily.
Jules: Well, to choose which plays shall be played, one act is played. This beeth the pilot. This act is played before those who would choose and should the act be of good appeal to these, thus further acts are called hence. One act is chosen and flourishes to completion. Another is chosen not, and withers to vapor. The Lady played in such a pilot that did wither.
Ghostbusters:
Shakespearean Title: Apparition Arresters
Ray: Knowest thou? It occureth to me, the trials of these devices hath not yet been fruitful.
Egon: I am at fault for this.
Peter: I too blameth thee.
Ray: Fie! None hath added a day to life by worry!
Peter: Wherefore shalt thou worry? We are but carrying each an unregistered nuclear accelerator upon our backs.
Blues Brothers:
Shakespearean Title: Minstrels of Melancholy Ballads
Mrs. Murphy: What wouldst thou have, gentlemen?
Elwood: Hast thou white bread?
Mrs. Murphy: We do.
Elwood: Then it is toasted white bread for me, I pray.
Mrs. Murphy: Desireth thou butter or preserves with thine toasted white bread?
Elwood: Nay Madame, I shall have it dry.
Jake: Hast thou chicken fried?
Mrs. Murphy: Our chicken fried is damnably best in all this land.
Jake: Then it is four chickens fried I shall have and a flagon of Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: Desireth thou legs or wings?
Jake: Four chickens fried complete and a flagon of Coke.
Dodgeball:
Shakespearean Title: The Merry Sport of Colliding Not with Balls:
White: Pray, continue! Make thy jests, thou Master Jesty… Jest-maker! However, alloweth me to smite thee with advice! Halt presently! Shame thyself not by failing aside these failures in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
La Fleru: Alliteration notwithstanding, my chances I shall take.
White: Indeed thou shalt take thy chances.
La Fleur: Yea verily. This I hath said presently.
White: Yea, this I know thou hath said presently.
La Fleur: Alas, Uncertain I am as to where thou goeth with this.
White: Uncertain am I as to where THOU goeth with this.
La Fleur: This I hath said.
White: This I hath said to THEE!
La Fleur: Indeed.
White: Touche!
Sharknado
Shakespearean Title: Sharktempest
Baz: This tempest doth subside, me thinks.
Nova: How knowest thou?
Baz: There be fewer sharks soaring about.
SpongeBob Movie
Shakespearean Title: The Tale of Sir Robert the Sponge
Bob: Harken ye, child. Thou hast found my cousin and I in good humour this day so it is with but a warning I shall send thee anon. Aside with thee and thou shalt feel not the awesome wrath of our mustachios two.
Dennis: Refereth thou to these? Me thought thou hadst yet some roughage adhering to thy face from thine supper!
Thus ends the play. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Thanks to all who participated!
This list was blessed before it’s contrivance by dear friend Ian Doescher, author of the William Shakespeare’s Star Wars Series. You can get yourself a copy of any of his books at http://www.iandoescher.com or http://www.quirkbooks.com
Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity 
Leave a comment