Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published April 3, 2018

No one likes quiet hair! Who wants to have a one sided conversation with your hair? So far as I know, only Crispin Glover! Can you imagine going to the theatre or the DMV or someone else’s wedding and NO ONE is looking at your hair? If these are your fears then just follow these steps and not only will your hair be animated and boisterous, but sexfully so!

10: Force your hair into a shell. Turtle shell. Conch shell. Pasta Shell. It doesn’t matter so long as you take it off at the soiree/shindig/gala. After spending a week in the home of a stinky crustacean or cheese, your hair will be happy to come out of its shell. It’s a pun!

9: The purpose of hair is to attract as much attention with it as possible. If your hair is limp and unruly just cut the unfruitful things off. Replace with a giant inflatable hairpiece. Only your giant inflatable hairpiece installation expert will know the truth.

8: Light your hair on fire. Nothing attracts attention like slurping tongues of flame and the smell of burnt hair! Eat a few tide pods before you light up.

7: One’s hair says something about who they are. What is your hair saying about you? Hold it underwater until it fesses up. Don’t let up until you get every juicy detail. It’s your hair after all. It should be on your team. Let it know who’s the boss: Tony Danza.

6: Some suggest teasing your hair to add volume. This is the worst thing you could ever do. Teasing is never okay and should be stopped immediately. Making your hair feel bad just because it’s flat and dull will only make it resent you in the long run. Alternatively, give your hair constructive criticism and let your hair know you believe in it. Every time someone says they don’t believe in hair, a hair fairy barfs.

5: Who says only the hair on your head can be styled? Try getting creative with those wild patches on your back!

4: Everyone knows the Rhinoceros’ horn is actually comprised of hair and like a gallon of 80’s styling gel. What’s stopping you from styling your own hair into a tool for flipping and goring people? Imagine the attention your hair will get after you use it to prevent or commit a mugging.

3: Blow drying takes too long and fries your hair. Don’t fry your hair. Broil it! Remove from the oven once its reached a nice golden brown.

2: Did you know your diet can affect hair health and growth? Think of animals with great hair and then eat them. Have a bear kabob. Have a lion lumpia. Have a Chris Hemsworth croissant. Absorb their hair powers and then flap your cape and steal into the night.

1: Join the hair club for men despite having a full head of luxurious hair. The weekly meetings will be a huge confidence booster to both you and your hair. Be sure to practice derisive laughter throughout the week for use at the meeting.