Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published June 25, 2020

Curling Your Hair as if it Mattered:

Unless you’re some kind of stupid moron, you spend huge amounts of time curling your hair. Curled hair is sported by all the great celebrities to whom we pay unceasing insurmountable tribute by the boat full! Patrick Stewart, Dwayne “The Stone” Johnson, Shrek, all known for their lovely bouncy Shirley Temple-like little girl curly curls. Just darling! But what if you DON’T HAVE a curling iron? Does God even love you? Or maybe you don’t like lighting your head on fire with hot metal like the rest of us do. What’s your freaking problem anyway!?! Well too damn bad because that’s the only way to do it. But you don’t have to have that crazy expensive contraption that Jannet keeps flaunting at you through the hole in her bathroom wall. Just go to a second hand store and get yourself a sketchy curling iron circa 1937. Plug that un-grounded frayed wire into your kid’s science potato and get to curling you Canadian Olympian, you! Here’s how!

Step 1: If you’re like any other average four-year-old girl, your hair is a lice-infested rat’s nest full of chewing gum, rubber bands and guano. Here’s a novel concept: try washing it. Seriously. You smell like a hamburger. You can’t curl your hair like the big dogs if you have an entire set of Lincoln Logs™ stuck up in there. It might require some Betty Crocker™ and a pick-comb but you gotta get that Crap™ out. It’s your head not a shelf! If it proves too difficult just shave it off and start from scratch.

Step 2: Did you recently stick your finger in a light socket? Maybe you should. Might be an improvement. If you didn’t but it looks that way anyway I have good news. It’s time to dunk your head in a bucket of caustic chemicals. Will these chemicals turn you into a raving monster at night? Yes. A SEXY raving monster! Utilizing the same chemicals given to frisky meteorologists, these chemicals will make your hair limp and flaccid. Once in this pathetic worn-down subdued submissive state, your hair is primed to do what it’s told, just like the men who are soon to be nibbling at your toes. Girl power!

“But Professor!” I hear you say, “My hair is really fine and it won’t curl!”

Wow! Talk about first world problems, Karen! Maybe you should ask to see my manager. Listen, I got you covered. Literally. Just wear a wig made of better hair! Steal Jannet’s hair if you like. Snobby succubus!

Preferred products include Dr. Zambo’s Semi-professional Hot Sludge Funday Spoot which creates a desirable mucus effect that holds and shines with an organic xenomorphic resin designed by H.R. Geiger and the Ahnaw Helno Gastro Cataclysm Smeat Gel Slather which protects color so long as you like green and shields from alpha, beta, and gamma radiation but not epsilon. God help you if you get too close to epsilon!

Step 3: You can’t have hair just co-mingling all willy-nilly. What would the neighbors say? Your hair needs to be a productive team. Partition your hair into sections according to which ones you think might get along best. Once each hair is properly assigned and numbered, go align everything in your refrigerator by right angles you weirdo.

Step 4: Affix the medieval device you bought to your head, making sure all the straps are tight and secure. Clench your teeth around the rubber bit and brace yourself before you throw the switch as this is going to hurt… a lot. Just remember: true beauty requires sacrifice. Once all the diodes are warm and the Tesla coil is arcing wildly about the well ventilated room (to avoid asphyxiation from the diesel fumes), start pedaling! Just before you reach 88 mph, engage the reciprocating dingle arm to prevent sinusoidal depleneration. Failure to do so releases the Creator of any and all liability. Hopefully your city can provide enough electricity for this procedure without having to harness the power of the elements. Now, a millimeter at a time (No more, no less. IMPORTANT!) begin curling.

Step 5: Repeat this process indefinitely or until all hair is curled or gone. This might take a while so be sure to take some time off of work and social engagements. A month or so ought to do it. DO NOT GET HAIR WET ever again. To shower, simply protect hair with a large wooden crate or a samurai helmet, you know, whatever’s laying around.

Step 6: Take a picture, quick! It’s possibly the best you’ll ever look so you better get a snapshot now before you’re inevitably attacked by children, birds, and all the circus clowns at your workplace. To really add longevity to your new style erect a statue of yourself to commemorate your beauty. All will witness and be in awe as the colossal sculpture ominously straddles the city and dwarfs the many skyscrapers beneath your towering image! Each day as it crests the horizon and blocks out the sun from morning until noon it shall remain as an irrefutable reminder that for five short minutes, your hair was perfect. Or you can just friggin relax because it’s all a lost cause anyway. Love you! Byeeeeeeee!