Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published April 8, 2023

For Easter I thought I’d post my favorite carrot cake recipe. Enjoy.

This recipe for carrot cake is so good you’ll slap everyone who didn’t tell you about it, even people who had no prior knowledge of it. It’s made out of stuff you can only get from guys in trench coats BEHIND the grocery store.

Alright, cut the CRAP and listen up! This cake is easier to make than solving a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. Pay attention and deliciousness will be all over your face in no time, you beautiful cake-loving mooch! You don’t need a mixer or a blender or any complicated machinery like that so RELAX! Just fire up your Bakemax BMFRS02 Floor Model Dough Sheeter with Reversible 20 1/2″ X 79″ Work Length Belts and you’re ready to go!

By the way, if you’re trying to make cupcakes, let me just stop you right there. Get out! This is a full sized cake recipe! Take your dainty little bite-sized morsels elsewhere! No one wants them! You should just make a separate carrot cake for everyone at your party and then forget to invite them. That’s how good this cake is. Just sit in your house alone and eat this cake until you die of gluttony. It will be a good death. Valhala will welcome you.

Ingredients:

Most of these ingredients can be found on your morning power-walk so bring a bag and a grabby tool. Here’s a looky-loo:

You can use all-purpose flour if you are generic and basic but specific-use flour is preferred by parents who actually love their children. Or you can use gluten free.

I can’t stress this enough. Use baking SODA! Baking powder is for babies. Literally. Put it on your infant child.

Salt, cinnamon, and vanilla extract are not needed. Did you believe that last sentence? If so, you’re not allowed to finish baking this recipe. Hand your apron to someone more worthy and excuse yourself from the room. There! Now we can proceed. This recipe will need a pinch of salt and enough cinnamon and vanilla extract to gag a team of tik tok muckbangers.

If you want a moist cake use oil. Any oil will do. I prefer 50w Pennzoil but you may prefer something less viscous. Just don’t go below 30w unless your cake is diesel.

Sugar not only makes the cake light and ethereal, it also adds to its moistness. Moisture moisturizes moistness moistly at night… moistly.

Eggs legally make the cake a breakfast food.
Think about that.

You might be surprised to learn the key ingredient to carrot cake is actually carrots. Don’t even think about substituting them with radishes or death cap mushrooms. Unless… well, nevermind. Let’s just play it safe and use carrots… an ungodly amount of carrots. Seriously. Concerned priests should be knocking at your door.

Pecans and raisins are NOT optional! If you don’t like them, rearrange your psychology. You can choose to like them ironically, fundamentally, philosophically, artistically or regard them as a form of penance to atone for letting yourself believe you don’t like them. Whatever you do, put them in and like it.

Put all these ingredients into a five gallon bucket or empty swimming pool depending on the size of cake you’re making. Mix. Again, depending on the size, you may want to rent large scale construction equipment to assist in the mixing.

Apply fire to the batter until it is a cake.

Eat.