Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published July 22, 2022

Dear Professor Popinjay,
Could a mean bowl of chili ever be used as a powerful form of propulsion?

Sincerely,
Fretfully Awaiting Reeking Transit

Dear FART,
——-We’ve all heard the recent meme hailing Taco Bell as the only place one can still get gas for a mere dollar and thirty-five cents. But can a hefty portion of spicy beans and low-grade meat propell us through outer-space, water, or even to the other side of the room? Or will your guests only WISH you were IN ANOTHER room? Before we found out dinosaurs had been secretly making oil deep in their underground factories, the world’s only source of oil was from greedy whales who hoarded it in their cavernous interiors. It’s a wonder the modern world has become so dependent on such a difficult thing to obtain. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to fuel our go-go machines with something more readily available like farts? Not just whale farts but anyone’s! Perhaps instead of the ten-gallon-hat-wearing oil tycoon we could have your uncle Frank, consumer of ten-gallons-of-hummus.

Burning liquid fuels to keep aloft our many airborne castles and fancy dirigibles is still the most practical method of destroying the ozone layer. Sure, we could use biofuels which are safer and more eco-friendly but making them is hard and boring and I’m hungry and I have to pee. Can’t someone else do it?

Thankfully, a bunch of smarties have found that converting food waste into jet fuel is a simple matter of combining Thursday’s meatloaf with some orange peels, a few pieces of leftover asparagus, and 18 tons of highly combustible ammonium perchlorate.

As it turns out, your uncle Frank (with a little help from the rest of the human race) produces approximately elevendy trillion gallons of “jet fuel” annually. Some eco-conscious cows help as well. In fact they consider it their duty. (Pause for uproarious laughter) Unfortunately, this waste is rather soggy and everyone should probably drink some Gatorade. While no volunteers could be found to ladle the moisture out of 11 trillion gallons of poo, we did find a guy who would happily suck all the oxygen out of the tank. Not sure why he was so enthusiastic to do this and we weren’t going to ask; especially when it resulted in the perfect conditions to interrupt the bacteria, all of which was working hard to convert the waste from Greek-Orthodox Catholicism into methane.

“Oh, Professor!” I hear you scream with delight, “Methane is a key ingredient of farts!”

Oh reader, my sweet summer child, conversion to methane is only part of the process.
When you interrupt bacteria, they get grumpy. They put on their hat and coat and they don’t even bother finishing what they were working on. They just leave the complex fats complex. They irresponsibly forget that some oxygen molecules are still attached to the ends of carbon chains. Can you imagine!?! Weak acids are just strewn all over the place! It’s an OSHA violation waiting to happen. But it’s at this point, when all the lights go out, something magical happens. Much like the tiny elves who make shoes for lazy cobblers or cookies for lazy bakers, another kind of elf steps in, waves a wand, tosses in a bit of childlike whimsy, and POOF! You got Jet fuel. Behold the magic of science!

But it’s not ACTUAL jet fuel. It’s just hydrocarbons that match the molecular length of those used in jet fuel so when you mix them no one can taste the difference; like grapes when compared to the flavor of coal tar. Or real vanilla versus beaver butt. (Do yourself a favor and don’t Google that.)

Now as entertaining as mixing your doots with jet fuel could be, the aviation authorities have some nitpicking to do. Apparently, they have a problem with fuels that inexplicably explode at temperatures which differ from that of standard jet fuel. Clearly the aviation authorities are a bunch of complainers who just want to ruin our fun.

However, by a brilliant stroke of genius, some researchers found that this problem would be nullified when the fuel mix included virtually no biofuel. Of course that kind of defeats our purposes here. These same researchers were immediatly demonetized and stripped of their degrees in mixology.

Thankfully, some OTHER researchers found that by taking two different biofuels and mixing them up in a big bucket with a shot of Creole Joe’s Louisiana Style Insanity Sauce, they could produce a fuel mixture that was over 72 percent biofuel and would only explode when they wanted it to. Hot dog!

“Experts” estimate at about $2.53 per gallon, biofuel should be fairly competitive with your standard bean burrito and 67 percent more potent. With the cost offset by the credits offered by some states for using low-carbon fuels and inversely increasing chili consumption, biofuel manufacturers will practically be paying YOU to use it. Don’t get your hopes up though. Uncle Frank worked hard to produce that steaming pile of jet fuel and darned if he’s not going to make a profit.