Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published Jan 22, 2017

Matt Boyd asks
Are there any ways that space creatures or aliens meet each other… like, relationship wise? Like a Space Alien Mingle?

Dear Matt,
—–No. I’m sure many would like to hear me say that there is a vast database of cross-referenced information pertaining to the multitude of beings that populate this universe but there simply isn’t. Even if you were able to find a close match to your physiological needs, the psyche of even the simplest forms of sentience is impossible to accurately catalog let alone find out if it coincides with your own psychological make up. This is why forgiveness is such a necessary part of coexisting with others particularly when you believe you are already married to the simplest form of sentience. I happen to come from a race of beings who are happy to use cutting boards for their intended purposes without the use of a secondary more easily washable cutting board. My wife comes from a species who likes to complain about this practice. Had this kind of information been included in the mandatory psychological screening enforced by our respective planetary governments, we would have been barred from procreating and my offspring would have been spared life in a household where this unsolvable conflict persists.
—–No matter what species you are, if you are inclined to use an online dating database for reasons other than finding physiological homogeneity, chances are you desire a relationship but wish to avoid the long drawn-out and often times painful process of finding someone with whom you may emotionally coexist. My advice to you is to give up. It is a hopeless endeavor. Not only does the desperation you exude while searching for someone cause you to appear wholly unattractive, anyone willfully desiring to be found by someone in this desperate state is suffering from terrible forms of denial and insecurity. Neither of these states of mind should be inflicted on another by way of a consensual romantic relationship and in any other case, the use of a safe word is highly advised. I recommend the word “Pineapple”.
“So anyway, after my last abusive relationship I’ve just had a hard time trusting people and I think I just need to be loved the right way? Do you think you could provide the right kind of love to me?”
“Pineapple! Untie me now!”
—–But do not fret, you weird alien creature who desires companionship. The fact of the matter is, a romantic relationship is not necessary to establish your self-esteem and every effort you make to strengthen it while AVOIDING a romantic relationship is to your credit. And don’t even think about using psionic manipulation or other extra-terrestrial powers of that sort! Forcing someone to love you isn’t love, it’s just one-sided human experimentation. Yes, it may be sanctioned by the government but that’s no excuse to be impolite. You’re not going to find love by snatching people up in a tractor beam and probing them first chance you get. Perhaps if you had read that copy of “Cooking for humans” in the ship’s library, you’d realize humans like to have a nice meal before they’re forcibly violated with alien machinery.
—–So what then must you do? First, get involved in community events with other carbon-based oxygen-breathers and go out of your way to be helpful and generous. Don’t mutilate livestock. Instead try feeding them or mending their wounds. Give flowers to elderly ladies. Nothing says “I am a caring and conscientious being” like the random distribution of botanical sex organs. The more useful and generous with your time and energy you are (Biological energy, NOT Nuclear) without concern of return (Radioactive or otherwise), the more likely you are to attract someone who admires these qualities for which you should want to be admired. Likewise, anyone who is admiring these generous aspects in lieu of more shallow attributes is likely to also possess these qualities. I’m not saying it’s a foolproof plan but frankly, if I went through life just being generous and helpful, I would call that a very fulfilling life. If that doesn’t work, you could always grow pod-people and replace the human race with one more agreeable.

Hope that helps.
-Your friend, Professor Popinjay.