Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published March 9, 2022

Murphy Kartoffel asks:
Professor Popinjay
AT WHAT TEMPERATURE AND FOR HOW LONG SHOULD I BAKE A POTATO?

Ah, potatoes! What a grand way to complete a hearty meal! Boil ‘em. Mash ‘em. Stick ‘em in a stew. Or grab a big one and make it a meal in itself! But at what temperature and for how long should we bake them? Great question!
If we bake them at too hot a temperature they burn! If we bake them at too low a temperature they don’t cook all the way through! Similar results are yielded when cooking times are too long or too short respectively. Where is the sweet spot for time and temp that makes for the perfect baked potato!?!
You’d like to know, wouldn’t you? Why else would you have asked? But is the internet going to tell you? YOU FOOL! Don’t you realize this is one more opportunity to advertise to you? We’re not going to pass up this golden moment! Anyone needing to know the specifics of potato baking obviously needs a cook book, a subscription to Blue Apron, and a 30% off your next Grub Hub order! Here’s a screen-covering ad for each! There’s no X to tap! They don’t slide away! If you so much as exhale on your phone we’ll assume you’re interested and send you down an internet rabbit hole so deep Lewis Carole will write about your whimsical spiral into madness. Try finding your precious potato recipe now! Hahaha!
But Lo! There amongst the scrolling ads and pop-ups, what’s this!?! Hark! Tis words! Actually human words! Do they present the knowledge you seek!?! Yes! Martha possesses the suppository of knowledge your fiddly fingers have fought for! Callooh Callay! O Frabjous day! Three sentences begin the 20 page epic tale of baked potatoes beginning with her memoirs of potatoes when she was but a lass of 2 years. You’re almost there! You skip to another page. And the next! You can almost smell potatoes baking to perfection! Nope, nevermind. Your phone battery died and your children have ordered from Grub Hub! We win.
And furthermore, how DARE you try to do-it-yourself in this modern world! Life hacks!?! What are you, Amish!?! You’ll eat what we say you’ll eat! You’ll buy what we tell you to buy! Who in this world needs to know how to bake a potato when you can simply relinquish your entire identity and bank account information to the all-knowing all-seeing all-consuming MONSTER OF COMMERCE! POTATOES!?! YOU QUERY FOR POTATOES WHEN THERE IS WORLD-WIDE ECONOMIC INFRASTRUCTURE THAT RESTS UPON YOU SEEING OUR ADS AND READING MARTHA’S LIFE STORY!!! THAT WOMAN WORKS HER FINGERS TO THE BONE FOR YOU!!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

Hope that helps!
Your friend, Professor Popinjay