Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published June 7, 2018

——-Drinking wine can improve your sex life. While a small amount can give you a feeling of giddiness, a larger amount can turn you into a modern day Casanova complete with open shirt, hairy chest, gold medallion and butterfly collar. Please drink responsibly.
—–I’ve read that the world’s biggest red wine consumers are the Chinese but I’m sure what the original author meant to say was China not THE Chinese. I’ve known several Chinese wine drinkers. None of them were very big, neither did they reside in China. The people of China consumed a record 155 million 9-liter cases of red wine in the Great 2013 Red Wine Consumption Race. Way to go! I bet they felt THAT in the morning. The popularity of red wine is due partially to the color red being lucky in China and partially to the fact that everyone got tired of drinking red Kool-Aid. But when it comes to the most wine consumption per capita, that prize goes to the pope in Vatican City. Probably on account of having to take sacrament so often.
——-Wine was discovered 6,000 years ago when Adam said unto his wife Eve, “Let us get tore up, yo!” Thus they laid down grapes where dinosaurs oft did tread and lo there they did ferment and become some kick-ass vino! Verily they named the drink wine and said that it was good but it was still missing something… something forbidden.
——-Cistercian and Benedictine Monks perfected the art of winemaking throughout history. After Jesus turned water into wine these dudes were hell bent on doing it too. While they never managed it in quite the same miraculous fashion, they did discover pouring water on the roots of grapevines did eventually turn them into wine, so there you go.
——-Think a glass of wine a day keeps the doctor away? Not all the time. Red wine is chock full of antioxidants and several other microscopic gnomes who give your cells a spit shine. White wine on the other hand is nothing but pure gasoline so don’t drink more than 20 to 25 glasses before noon.

——Most wines take their name from their place of origin. For instance, Cabernet Sauvignon was made in the Bordeaux region of France obviously! And Dr. Shiv’s Fluorescent Grape Juice Surprise is a vintage from the prohibition era found in Dr. Shiv’s cell in Joliet prison. Good stuff. Prices range from 4 to 6 cigarettes per 32 ounce sandwich bag.
——-You can tell a lot by the color of wine. Darker shades of wine come from warm climates like volcanoes. Lighter shades come from Antarctica. If it’s paisley colored it’s not wine. Stop drinking it immediately and contact poison control.
——-Women supposedly get drunk faster than men because women have a higher fat content. This is all considering a husband makes no attempt at relaying this information to his wife in normal conversation as he will likely find himself drinking alone with nothing but his own fat content to keep him company.
——But perhaps this will cheer up your chubby little partner. Incredibly entertaining studies have shown that women who had one drink of wine per day generally carried almost 10 pounds less body fat than women who just horked down meatball subs all day!
——-The fear of wine is called oenophobia, the leading cause of which is said to be this very article.