Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published Aug 25, 2020

Sports: Is It Safe or Should We Slide Back Home?

I love sports. I spend thousands on bean dip and body paint. I… I’m lying. I’m not a sports fan. But I’ll watch Firedragon764 blast through Super Mario Sunshine in a mere 3 and a half hours so I get being a spectator. And if the pandemic somehow inhibited me from being a reclusive level 87 technomage with a soul-sucking ice sword, I’d be mad too.

We’ve altered our lives in so many ways. We interact differently. We work differently. We hose ourselves down with disinfectant differently. Naturally, recreation and exercise are going to be quite different as well. No longer can we engage in a weekend of mud wrestling or tonsil hockey. But are there other sports as enjoyable as these? In the words of the late great Doris Day, “Perhaps.”

As recommended by the Popinjay Ordinance for Outside Play, the lowest risk activity involves staying at home and playing Wii Sports with Japanese kids, via internet, who will instantaneously kick your butt at any game you choose. The highest risk activity would be getting on a filthy school bus with no Air Conditioning, traveling all over the state, not showering for days, sweating like a pig in heat, strapping on a bevy of unclean (according to Hebraic law) safety equipment, meeting a group of fifty more people who have just done the same and slamming into them repeatedly while cursing and expectorating profusely. Did I mention I’m not a sports fan?

Here now is a list of sports which require similar levels of human contact and excretion as mentioned in the previous paragraph:

Most of them.

That was easy. Now a list of the sports which require little to no human interaction, God bless ’em!:

-Skiing alone in the Himalayas

-Chariot Races with extra wide wheel spikes

-Joust (Actual joust)

-Running… away from people

-Golf (with frequent ball washing)

-Swimming in your private lake on your private island

-Javelin (provided you don’t throw it at someone but, let’s be serious, who can resist that kind of temptation?)

-Solitaire (The single player variety)

-Scuba diving (In fact it might be a good idea to wear a Scuba tank when doing ANYTHING right now.)

-Rythmic Gymnastics (while twirling an 8 foot 2×4)

-Lawn darts (Always safe. Who says they aren’t?)

-Rap battles (sans beatboxing)

-Competitive haiku writing (Prison rules)

-Extra long pole vaulting

-Kick in the Crotch Checkers

-Lumberjack games

-Or just play whatever sport you want with a plastic bag over your head. You’ll be fine.

No matter what festering petri dish of communicable disease to which you decide to subject your family for the sake of entertainment, don’t forget to consult Popinjay’s Ordinance for Outside Play for important safety questions, such as:

-How old ARE you anyway? If you’re 65 or older you might want to sit this one out due to risk of infection. Extra Long Pole Vaulting probably isn’t for you anyway. If, however, you’re between the ages of 30 and 43 and in extremely good shape… call me sometime. We’ll do dinner. Maybe a movie. Some dancing. Let’s see what happens.

-Does the team you’re meeting adhere to the same rigorous regimen of constant disinfection and sterilization that you require of your own team? Perhaps they only sanitize their equipment every hour instead of every fifteen minutes. Perhaps they don’t think an airlock chamber segueing from the locker room to the bus is necessary. Maybe they’re not fully clean because they’re not Zest fully clean! These are important things to consider before intermingling.

-If the sport relies heavily on players manhandling each other, can there be alternative rules put into play? Instead of tackle football could we use flags and long-handled tongs? Instead of boxing gloves could the combatants just take turns whacking each other with boat oars? Get creative! Mother is the invention of necessity! 

“Generally it’s not a good idea for children to wear a mask while sportsing but don’t ask me why,” says Charon Styxpoler, MD, PhD, ZpDDD. ” Unless they actually are SCUBA diving in which case the mask is highly advisable. Also if you’re a team mascot and/or furry attending a sport, taking off your mask ruins the illusion of the role in which you are engaged. As for the people in the stands, in the portable restroom, and at the tailgate parties, wear a mask and stay at least one meat fork away from each other. In fact, I’ve found carrying an actual meat fork to ensure social distancing is highly effective. Players should also refrain from overly-enthusiastic high-fives, chests bumps, or that weird spanking that alleged heterosexual athletes do to each other. Celebratory make-out sessions on the field are completely inappropriate at this time.”

“Other changes we should see,” reported Styxpoler as we ferried along, “are fewer players on teams. The standard 50 players for one basketball game is excessive and should be reduced to a single badass who can take on anyone, a champion to represent the fate of the rest who, if victory is denied, will submit to the demands of the opposition. For games with a few more participants, a ball for each player will reduce the exchanging of balls from one player to another thus reducing infection risk. Attending and participating events should also include signing a waiver so when the inevitable occurs you can’t sue anyone. Legal actions are a sport unto themselves! Do I get my two gold coins you promised now?”

Some pre-game precautions to ponder:

-If you’ve ever been sick or know someone who has been, stay home and practice. If you’re too ill to move then simply concentrate on your soccer ball and meditate. Whatever you do, don’t stop thinking about sports because, the second you get sidetracked, your skill will decrease 48 percent. It’s science.

-Always have these items on hand (sometimes literally): sanitizer, isopropyl alcohol, gasoline, industrial paint solvent, a carafe of Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, a little bag of salted peanuts, and always know where your towel is.

-Write your name on everything! Everything! Even stuff that doesn’t belong to you. This way people will know what you have touched and will avoid it.

-Don’t carpool. It’s great for the environment but what good is the environment if we’re all coughing on it? Gross.

-Neither be early nor late. Simply arrive precisely when you mean to. Until then sit in your oddly shaped cart and set off fireworks.

-Don’t spit. Don’t chew. Don’t go with the girls who do.

-Celebrate by gesticulating wildly at a distance. Clapping, thumb-upping, and vigorous pelvic thrusts are all approved celebratory actions.

-Individually wrapped comestibles handed out with forceps is far safer than the usual practice of pouring the snacks into a huge communal trough and mixing it all with ranch dressing to be eaten by hand, wouldn’t you agree?

Once the event has concluded, apply an even coat of disinfectant to each player, burn all the equipment and uniforms, go home and cry in the shower for no less than 45 minutes. Yay sports!