Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published Sept 28, 2018

——-Coughing into the pit of the elbow has been widely deemed as the wiser of the choices when compared to other parts of the body into which we could cough. Coughing into the hand is just plain stupid considering all we do with them or shouldn’t do but do anyway. But have we really considered all aspects of elbow coughing? Regardez s’il vous plait:

Benefit: Instead of getting germs all over your hand which could spread illness when distributing hard slaps, coughing into the elbow only spreads germs to people you have in a headlock. Those you’ve caught in a full-Nelson don’t have a chance.

Deficit: Like many rules of etiquette it may not make sense in a modern world but regardless it’s still considered quite rude to purposefully cough on a person whom you have in a choke hold. Try to reserve one elbow for coughing and the other for illegal wrestling maneuvers, especially during an official match where referees are particularly keen.

Benefit: You now have a legitimate excuse for keeping your arms bent and close to your sides at all times like some kind of weird human kangaroo. At long last!

Deficit: “Rubbing elbows” with the aristocracy might get you taken out of their will.

Benefit: If you wear a cape you’ll look like Count Dracula while elbow coughing.

Deficit: Wear sunglasses and a wavy hairstyle and you’ll look like a jerk doing the dab.

Benefit: The gradual accumulation of mucus on your sleeve will make it appear as though you have big muscles. Impress your friends at the beach!

Deficit: Accidentally sneezing on babies you happen to be holding will become a common occurrence.

Benefit: Coughing into your elbow will gradually reshape your nose into an elegant point.

Deficit: Holding in a sneeze could blow your eardrums or make your eyeballs pop out. Sneezing into your elbow could snap your ulna. There’s always a trade off.