Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published July 25, 2016

Matt Boyd asks:
Should I seek Medical Attention for putting my left leg in and shaking it all about?

Dear Matt, happy birthday, now to business,
—–If the left leg in question is indeed yours and is fully attached to its original location then we have some options. It really depends on WHAT you’re putting your left leg in.
—–Putting your left leg in hot or cold water can be soothing or refreshing respectively. Putting your leg in molten lava or liquid nitrogen, on the other hand, could prove uncomfortable… And you might need a new leg.
—–Putting your leg into a well tailored pair of rubber lederhosen can be enjoyable. However, putting your leg into an iron maiden or some other form of Medieval torture device named after a metal band could be painful which most would find disagreeable.
—-If you should put your left leg into a race or a weight loss program and achieve personal goals, a fulfilling sense of accomplishment could be yours. Unfortunately, losing said race or finishing the weight loss program only to find that your leg is now fatter than before, can be inversely unfulfilling.
—–If you do go purposefully putting your leg into lava, liquid nitrogen, and torture devices, not only would you likely need medical attention and serious psychological help but you may need to be protected from yourself. If you like, I can make those arrangements for you.
—–I’m afraid there may be a deeper issue here, though. If you had simply told me you compulsively put your left leg in things I would have thought it only a little strange. Likewise, if you had merely told me you shook your left leg about, I would recommend going on a long walk because you likely have Restless Leg Syndrome. But you told me you both put your left leg in AND shake it all about. These, my friend, are the tell tale signs of nothing less than the Chronic Hokey-Pokey Fever.
—–With variations of the strain dating back as early as 1826, the Hokey-Pokey pandemic has plagued the globe with its victims putting various body parts ‘in’ only to take them back ‘out’ again, repeating the process until finally shaking said body part with wild convulsions. Once these symptoms run their course with one body part they spread to another until the victim’s whole self is affected at once. While breakouts at camps and ski resorts are not unheard of, more often than not this treacherous disease hits roller-skating rinks with disastrous results.
—–Why is this sickness allowed to persist? Because it weeds out the roller skating noobs, that’s why. Have you ever tried putting your right leg in and shaking it all about when you’ve got wheels strapped to your feet? It ain’t easy and those roller-skating pros know it. Think you’re gonna toddle into their rink and take over their turf in one day? Think again! When the Hokey-Pokey Fever hits you, you’d better know your stuff! I’ve seen many a novice go down this way and most don’t get back up… At least not until they’ve kicked off their skates at which point they run home, sticking their tale between their legs… And then sticking it out… And then in again… And out again… And then they shake it all well you can see where this is going.
—-Ultimately, Matt, I think you’ll be alright. If you absolutely MUST put your leg in and shake it about try to do it in the privacy of your own home and avoid any nightclubs, dance halls and speakeasys. It might get embarrassing. Then again, if you have the confidence and charisma to pull it off maybe you’ll want to own it. It’s up to you. Either way, unless you’re a veteran roller-skater, better tie some pillows to your butt before hitting the rink. That’s the two cents I’m putting in… And now I’m taking it out… And so forth.

-Professor Pokenjay