Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published March 15, 2020

——Is filling a room in your house with toilet paper a necessary precaution?
——-So far disease precautions have included costly detours, closures of schools and major theme parks, cancellations of large social events, and a sales decline in Grupo Modelo’s unfortunately named Corona beer as though it had anything to do with the virus. It doesn’t, by the way. Tell your friends… the stupid ones.
——For those of us without showers, stacks of old newspaper, discarded corn cobs, or an excessive amount of kittens, running out of toilet paper is a serious problem! Aside from the aforementioned list, there is absolutely no other way to disengage the Klingons orbiting Uranus. Don’t even mention the bidet! Imagine! Using water to clean something! Ridiculous!
——With the towering obelisks of toilet paper we’ve seen teetering out of the stores one might assume TP is the cure! That or someone’s house is going to be pranked to an impenetrable degree! There’s better ways of quarantining your neighbors. Trust me.
——-Toilet paper is not like canned goods. You can’t eat it. Well you can, but I’m 96 percent sure that’s not why people are buying it, except for this one guy I saw but he was a strange one. We’ll not talk about him.
——-As expected, SOME non-perishable foods have been TEMPORARILY depleted including those infamously disgusting canned Vienna sausages most people wouldn’t touch with a ten foot eternity pole. However the scarcity of toilet paper has led to Spaghetti Western style stand-offs complete with by-passing tumbleweeds and grimy unsavory characters chewing their cigars while twiddling their fingers dangerously close to their shootin’ irons.
——”This pox be mighty wicked.” They likely recon. “But I’ll shoot anyone what stands in the way of my anal hygiene. Consarn it!”
——This phenomenon is not isolated to the U.S. either and it is not the first time it’s occurred. In 1973, the oil crisis resulted in a similar kind of hysteria in Japan which spread to the U.S., fueled as it was by rumors and exaggeration. That having been said, I should probably point out that while emotions and desperations are high, you’re not likely to actually encounter grizzled Old West outlaws in the paper isle. That was a joke. I don’t want to be blamed for frightening people into hoarding sarapes and flat-brimmed cowboy hats.
——-Present day, Japan, TP is chained to the wall to dissuade people from enjoying the courtesy of complementary toilet paper beyond the reasonable amount required for the incumbent dump. Hong Kong paper-pirates pillaged a proprietor of his products without presenting payment. In Australia, police engaged angry citizens, I presume in the midst of a nasty boomerang battle, as they fought to secure the last of the “Downunder doilies”. One desperate denizen used eucalyptus leaves to cleanse his “outback” which I assume left a poor koala in a particularly foul mood despite having consumed fecal-pap throughout most his infancy. Australian Grocers have been reported as limiting the sale of toilet paper to one pack per customer. Bad news for blokes and sheilas with a two-pack-a-day habit. Some newspaper publishers have generously provided multipage pull-outs to use during the shortage. I’m sure there have been worse reasons to buy a newspaper. Should someone use this very article for a sanitation emergency I’d be most honored. Do so with my compliments.
——-It’s only natural for us to seek comfort when in such an anxious state of mind. The desire to obtain comfort easily translates to products for your butt. As we all know, an uncomfortable butt means an uncomfortable day of horseback riding. The horse isn’t overly thrilled either. This is why we pay top dollar for saddles, couches, and obscenely-shaped bicycle seats. The squishier the couch, the happier your squishy butt will be. Is it any big surprise that the same formula for butt to couch squish ratio would be applied to the amount of toilet paper we purchase for that exact same butt when we’re scared? It’s nice if one can supply for themselves this refreshing psychological placebo. You’ve got your cushy couch, your monolith of toilet paper, and your magic rock. All is right with the world. Let the unhygienic masses squabble for their pittance of paper. YOU are in control! YOU may poop at your leisure!
——-A funny meme I saw photoshopped over a picture of Sigmund Frued wearing sunglasses said it clearly: Irrational fears, when acted upon, can easily become quite rational when the action results in manifesting the very thing we fear. If everyone is afraid of zombies and hundreds of people decide pretending to be a zombie will help them hide and be safe amongst the other zombies, suddenly for all intents and purposes there ARE “zombies” staggering about requesting brains and free health care and what have you. Likewise, fear of supply shortages leads to actual supply shortages.
——-Social Media has played a major roll (pun intended) in exacerbating the hysteria. Social dynamics among humans have been compared to the behavior of schools of fish or more poignantly, a crash of rhinoceroses or murderous crows. A parade of elephants? I could go on. To combat the spread of paper panic, Japan has posted on social media soothing pictures of delivery trucks bulging with toilet paper cargo and freshly-wiped workers off-loading full pallets to local suppliers. Japanese citizens who now expect regularity have reported that this forward motion feels good on the hole.
——-In the South Pacific, many island nations deal with shortages regularly due to frequent sharknados which interrupt trade. Their method of coping? Follow the words printed in bold friendly letters on the front of your Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Don’t panic. Just leaving product on the shelves means everyone will have some when they need some and more WILL arrive. The same goes for canned Vienna sausages, buckets of lard, and bottles of prozac. Gradually accumulating a small reserve can be useful but there’s no need to go nuts and there’s no need for all of us to stock up all at once. Like buying too many shoes when you only have two feet, buying too much toilet paper is superfluous when you only have one butt.
——The mad dash to stockpile supplies is evidence of our desire to take care of “me and mine”. It’s an understandable reaction in the face of our fears. But in times of crisis we MUST think about others. If we believe a lack of toilet paper is going to devastate us, how much more will a lack of kindness? We’ve already seen too many examples of this. Often those who really need to stockpile are the one’s incapable of doing so. By all means wipe your butts. Just do the decent thing and make sure your neighbor can wipe theirs too.