Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published March 10, 2016

Tony McTuff Terrill asks:
What would it take to make interplanetary life possible? Things that have to be calculated are the following but not limited to: Ship types, traveling technology, food storage, roles in society for men and women, life spans of a typical generation, planet types that are suitable for supporting human life that live outside if the Goldilocks zone, Animal husbandry practices.

Dear Tony,
—–What would it take to make interplanetary life possible? Easy. Gradually destroy Earth. Nothing mothers invention like necessity. You thought scientists were already working on interplanetary travel? Just wait till there’s a deadline and funding is no object. Mwahahahahaha!
—–Of course this kind of urgency would greatly limit the transportation options, like when you’re running from a bully but the closest means of locomotion is your little sister’s bicycle. Taking it not only results in presenting the bullies with a brand new batch of teasing-fodder, but your little sister is not too happy either, having left her to the wiles of the bullies without escape or defense. Naturally she joins the bullies in hating you but it is a superfluous union because their planet is about to explode. Our hypothetical escape from an Earth doomed in the aforementioned way will happen just like this, with both bullies and little sisters being left to their silly fate while we escape on a rickety sissified spacecraft which we stole from unsuspecting innocents. Did I say “silly”? Sorry, I meant “horrible”.
—–Provided the spacecraft doesn’t explode before it leaves Earth’s atmosphere or implode in the vacuum of space (both an extreme likelihood assuming the entire operation doesn’t just blow up right there on the launch pad) a new planet would be chosen at random via the advanced technological breakthrough of pointing at one with an index finger and in the word’s of J.M. Barrie “…then there would be no story.” That would be the end. Fatalists can stop reading right now and go don’t do whatever it is they don’t do because there’s no point. Frankly I’m surprised they read this far. As for the rest of us who enjoy a good space-drama let’s say these panicky militants who comprise the remainder of the human race actually find a semi-habitable planet outside of the Goldilocks zone which I can only assume means the new planet is too hot, too cold, too hard, too soft, and inhabited by bears. If the story of Goldilocks is to be regarded as a viable gauge for planet habitation we can only assume these extraterrestrial bears will be of varying age and unilateral temperature tolerance. The real question is, will the alien bears be there when we show up or will they arrive shortly after we’ve eaten all their food and slept in their uncomfortable beds? Either way, we must secure that porridge!
—–As for the subject of gender based roles I will not be so arrogant as to assign jobs based arbitrarily on sex. My wife has already taken that position. The rest of the survivors will have to fill out a resume and express their goals in writing. If the men folk should want to establish a façade of diplomatic relations with the octoped bear monsters while the women folk mount the sneak attack, that’s fine with me. I’m sure both parties are completely capable of either phase of the operation respectively despite one party being perpetually pregnant. What? Did you think we were going to a different planet to just make out? Why do you think we picked the planet populated by so many potential bear rugs?
—–As for typical lifespans lets guesstimate for the Diplomats in charge of Human/Space Bear Relations… 15 seconds. For the pregos sneaking around outside, setting bombs along the perimeter of the grand assembly cottage… 30. This should give one bear mother in the midst of the fray enough time to snatch up a pitiful human child and raise it as her own, not knowing that another bear mother has picked up a female human child on the other side of the cottage. Of course they will grow up in rival clans, all the while believing they are the last of their kind. One day they will grow up, discover each other and unite the clans. Wouldn’t that be exciting? Man, I love guesstimating! Anything can happen!
—–Finally, I don’t know what animal husbandry is but it sounds disgusting and I want no part of it.

So I guess you win, Tony! You’ve stumped me. I don’t know what animal husbandry is and darned if I’m going to learn.
-Professor Popinjay