Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published August 30, 2015

Austin Taylor asks:
Why Are Light Sabers so uncomfortable to hold? The Ridges and sharp hook make it fairly awkward and it seems bulky… Can you shed some light on this?

Dear Darth Taylor,
The process of constructing one’s light saber is an important and trying time for every young padawan but I assure you it is perfectly normal to be experiencing these kinds of feelings. For millennia young Jedi Initiates or Padawans have traveled to the icy planet Ilum, home of the jedi power crystals and the freshest sushi in the galaxy. It is deep within the caves of Ilum where the padawans are drawn by the force to their specific crystal that not only suits their needs but is often located in a place respectively difficult to reach according to the personal obstacles of each padawan, on both physical and psychological levels. The force is kind of a jerk like that.
“Oh you’re some kind of bovine alien?” Asks the force. “Well, there’s your crystal right on the other side of that cow grate. Have fun fatty! Break a leg!”
“Oh you’re one of those arrogant punk jedi who thinks his crap doesn’t stink? Well guess what. Now this is happening. You won’t find your crystal until you have an accident in your pants and give everyone a hug.”
Once the crystal is found and everyone’s drawers are washed, depending on what book you’re reading or show your watching, sometimes the padawan will have all the parts he or she or it needs with them right there on Ilum. This is particularly so should they desire to make their light saber out of ice or a Spicy California Roll. Other times the younglings meet with an ancient droid named Professor Huyang (Made in China) aboard the Jedi training cruiser Crucible so named because the padawans can never seem to build lightsabers fast enough before pirates attack providing a suspiciously convenient opportunity to prove their skills. If you ask me, it sound like a set up.
In the bowels of this ship (enough with the poop jokes!!!), contained within a bevy of actual drawers (as opposed to the kind previously soiled by Padawan Poo Pants. Last one, I swear.) is a vast array of both ready-made components and raw materials. There’s Duracell batteries, LED lights, various colors of telescoping pvc pipes. Virtually everything they need is there in a drawer, everything that is except a fully completed functioning light saber. Each padawan is expected to choose his or her or its components and materials according to their personal, ancestral, and cultural affiliations. For instance, Gungi, a young wookiee padawan, built his light saber casing primarily of Brylark wood, a tree indigenous to his home planet of Kashyyyyyyyyyyk; which, interestingly, is likely a planet he’s never been to because force sensitive beings were often sent to the Jedi temple for training as infants but you know, whatever! Likewise, if you were some kind of alien from a planet inhabited by, oh lets say, Frenchmen then you might choose to build your light saber out of, I don’t know, baguette bread? Or perhaps you come from a proud race of anthropomorphic cat people. You might want to cover your light saber with leftover carpet pieces and maybe hang a little bell or catnip laced mouse toy from the pommel. Whatever you do, make it yours!
The final step comes during an intense meditation session whereupon the padawan finds peace and unity in the force or some dweezle moonbeam hippy mumbo jumbo crap like that and presto! You have yourself a fully constructed custom tailored light saber complete with saw, fork, spoon, tooth pick, scissors and compass. Happy birthday! Hopefully you did everything right because, as I’m sure you remember from Joel Schreiber’s Star Wars novel Maul: Lockdown, a poorly calibrated light saber when activated can result in a laser blade that spirals backward and kills you. At that point I think it’s fairly safe to conclude that your Star Wars fun is over.
Well this has all been a plastisteel supply crate of fun but we have yet to talk about Sith light sabers. The Sith don’t go to Planet Ilum to get their organic gluten-free wussy crystals. The Sith are hardcore! They build their own. I don’t mean they’re at home growing sugar crystals in their magic rock gardens. I mean they tear physical matter a new one as they wield the power of the dark side to form a complex and intricate molecular matrix yielding a rock hard geometrically perfect jewel that produces one mother of a Jedi thwarting blade! Just ask Qui-Gon Jinn. That baby smarts!
I hope by now you understand. The light saber you were holding in the photograph you posted is not your light saber. Yes, perhaps you own it. But you did not design it. It wasn’t made for you. It was made by a brilliant engineer and powerful force user who, by the way, happens to have two robotic prosthetic hands and a predilection for leather gloves. His name is Darth Vader. He is a Dark Lord of the Sith, and he happens to prefer a large gauged saber hilt and extremely protrusive grips. If you have a problem with that I suggest you take it up with him. Otherwise build your own.

May the grip be with you! Professor Popinjay

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