Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published July 10, 2016

For: Nolan Pruitt. You asked for it. It took me a whole week to write but it’s done! Great suggestion.

Tolkienlogic:
[A parody of “Technologic” by Daft Punk. Characters and Storyline by J.R.R Tolkien.]

World, changing, feel it, smell it,
Lost it, forgot, age- the second.
Forging, Great Rings, three rings, elf lords,
Wisest, fairest, dwarves – rings seven,
Miners, craftsmen, nine rings, gifted,
To the, men who, lust- for power,
For with-in these, was bound, the strength
And will, to rule, over each race,
De-ceived, one more, made in, Mordor,
Mount Doom, Dark Lord, ring clandestine,
poured in, malice, cruelty, ruling,
all life, One Ring, to – rule them all.
To the, power, of the, One Ring,
fell the, free lands, some- resisted,
Men and, elvish, join to-gether,
Fight for, freedom, with Isildur.

Success, was near, but the, One Ring
Power, would not, be- defeated
It was, in this, moment, when all,
Hope had, faded, that- Isildur
Took his, father’s, sword and, swung it
Sauron, Dark Lord, now- de-fingered.
One chance, there was, to stop, evil,
But the, hearts of, men- corrupted
The ring, betrayed, king’s son, to his,
demise, arrows, in- Isildur
So the, ring lay, dormant, for two,
Point five, thousand, years in water,
Until, it came, unto, Gollum
Into, mountains, there- consumed him.
Ring brought, Gollum, long life, poisoned,
His mind, there for, years- five hundred.

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Darkness, krept back, into, forests
Rumors, grow of, East-ern Shadow,
Whispers, of a, nameless, horror,
Ring of, power’s, time- had now come.
Ring drops, Gollum, like bad, habit
Uh-Oh, Ring found, by a hobbit.
Bilbo, Baggins, of the, Shire,
He’s a, creature, most- unlikely.
Bilbo, burgles, for the, dwarf lords,
Stealing, back the, Dwarf king heirloom.
Bard the, Bargeman, slays the, Dragon
With black, arrow, in the belfry.
Bilbo, grows old, Nephew, Frodo
Gets Ring, after, trick at birthday
Gandalf, flies off, says to, Frodo
keep it, secret, and keep it safe.

Gandalf, returns, with the, knowledge,
He has, found the, Ring of Power.
Samwise, Frodo, Merry, Pippin,
Set forth, to the, Prance-ing Pony
On their, way there, they are, pursued
By black, riders, the nine Ringwraiths
We’ll skip, over, Tom Bom- badil
and give, his good, lines to Treebeard.
Saru-man im-prisons, Gandalf
Strider, meets hob-bits in Bree town.

They high, tail it, to Riv-indel
Chased by, ringwraiths, one stabs Frodo

In Riv-indel, Council, Elrond
Decides, the Ring, must- be destroyed.
Only, in the, Mount Doom, fires
Can the, One Ring, there be unmade.
Though the, Eagles, could fly, easy
Council, never, once suggests it.
Instead, they walk, through a, dungeon
Fight orcs, trolls and, then a balrog

Gandalf, fallen, or so, it seems
Lady, hands out, rope and daggers
Orcs take, Pippin, and take, Merry
Fill Bor-omir, full of arrows
Sam and, Frodo, go through, marshes
Gollum, helps them, for the precious.

Strider, name change, I could, say it
But it’s, more than, two syll-ables
He and, Gimli, and the, elf kid
Follow, hobbits, into Rohan
Merry, Pippin, climb up, Treebeard
Strider, Meets up, with White Gandalf
They break, Wormtongue’s, spell on, the king
Then they, flee to, the Helm’s Deep Keep

Meanwhile, Treebeard, takes for- ever
to choose, to att-ack on Orthanc
Helm’s Deep, Battle, Orthanc, battle
Saru-man lives, but not in film
In book, he sneaks, to the, Shire
Adopts, nom de, plume of Sharkey

Merry, looks in, to pal-antír
Or was, it Pip? Forget. Don’t care.
Gandalf, goes to, Minas, Tírith
You pick, hobbit, to light beacon
Rohan, answers, Gondor, orc fight
Ringwraith, Captain, killed by maiden
Gondor, Steward, he goes, crazy
Tries to, light up, son and selfie.
Strider, shows up, with ghost, army
Not to, mention, angry, freed slaves

Next up, Sauron, to De-stract him,
Strider, taunts Black, Gate of Mordor
Frodo, makes it, to the, mount doom
Gollum, bites him, Ring is destroyed.

Strider, crowned king, marries, elf girl
Every- body, bows to hobbits,
Hobbits, return, to the, Shire
Just to, find it, ruled by, Sharkey.
Would have, been great, to see, this part
but six, endings, is ex-essive
Sharky, could have, his own, movie
had he, not been, killed by Jackson

Samwise, marries, Rosie, Cotton
Merry, Pippin, happy, bach’lers.

Sackville-Baggins, live in, Bag End
Frodo, Bilbo, blow this, pop stand

Gimli, visits, elf kid’s, treehouse
Elf kid, visits, Gimli’s caverns

Elrond, Gandalf, leave to, elf land
Frodo, Bilbo, right there, with them

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Tolkienlogic [4x]