Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

First published July 5, 2016

For Nicholas Cymrusen: Remember, you asked for it.

My Poopdeck
[to the tune of “My Milkshake” by Kelis]
My poop deck brings Old Salts abaft
Cuz my booty
Is better than yours,
Avast ye, it’s better than yours,
I’ll sink ye,
And your man-o-war!

I’ll make you walk it,
Walk that plank into the sea.
Like in CotBP
To the crows nest climb,
And squeeze that lime
It’s Pirate time

[Chorus x2]
Yo-ho, yo-ho ho,
The Pirates of
Yo-ho, yo-ho ho,
The Caribbean

My long tom blast a hole
in your prow
Your crew’s like
It’s better than yours,
Avast ye, it’s better than yours,
You’re a smelly
Pirate whore.

If you come aboard,
With my cutlass I’ll stick ye!
We’ll Keel haul you for free!
Doubloons we sought,
But lo, a-cursed we got,
Now we’re a zombie lot

[Chorus x2]
Yo-ho, Yo-ho ho
Pirates of
Yo-ho, Yo-ho ho
The Caribbean

My ghost ship brings all the guards to arms,
And they’re like
Sound the alarms
Black Pearl! Sound the Alarms!
Open fire,
‘Fore it causes harm!

Oh, once you take that gold,
You’re immune to sword fights
You will lose all your charm,
Skeleton in the moon light,
Better put that gold back in,
Don’t wanna be no skeletin,
At night you got no skin
And you can’t enjoy your gin.

[Chorus x2]
Yo-ho, Yo-ho ho
Pirates of
Yo-ho, Yo-ho ho
The Caribbean

The Dutchman brings fishmen on deck
And they’re like
Give us your soul,
Avast ye, give us your soul,
You’ll be a fishman
Ain’t no loophole!