Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Dear Professor Popinjay,
I’m thinking of switching to an all bean diet. Which beans should I eat?
Sincerely, Beans McKenzie

Dear Ms. McKenzie,
——Who doesn’t love beans? No one! That’s who did! Even the kids love to blaze a fatty pot. Replace that pot with a cauldron of beans though and even the most chaste of your neighbors will dance naked around it for hours in anticipation. What bean is the best though? Navy? Northern? Garbanzo? Shut your whorish mouth! The only bean worth eating, whether in a mug or on a taco, is the coffee bean! Runners up are the cocoa bean and the vanilla bean but only because they go well with the coffee bean. The taste of coffee is disgusting and anyone who drinks it without adding at least one whole old-timey burlap sack of sugar is who we back in the old country call a total freakin’ weirdo. But if black coffee is all you can get then by cracky you drink it! And if you don’t have access to water then you chew those beans up and thank the good Lord for them because despite whether you love it or hate it, you need it. You’ve got adulting to do and the only thing keeping you productive and staving off a murderous rampage is hot cup of joe.
——Many long-winded historians will tell you it wasn’t always called coffee but that’s complete BS. It’s been called coffee and nothing else since day one and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Sure other cultures spelled it differently or put the emphasis in a different part of the word but as far back as the 16th century you could plop into the middle of any country on the planet and yell “COFFEE” and some beatnik would be there in a flash, snapping his fingers and beating his bongos.
——-The origin of coffee is amazingly interesting! A lowly goat roper, after noticing these beans gave his goats the ability of flight, took the beans and steeped them in boiling water then drank the water. The end.
——-Probably the best part about coffee beans is that they’re not even beans. They’re dirty little cherry seed imposters trying to cash in on the bean market! Beans are an all-the-time food according to Sesame Street so they Luwak weaseled their way in. What do coffee cherries taste like? Way better than coffee “beans” but making a drink out of cherries would make too much sense so screw that. Let’s guzzle down this horrid black liquid instead.
——-Hey! Between Coffee and ordinary water guess which drink has more caffeine… I know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong. It’s coffee! Don’t ever doubt me again!
——-What’s that? You want more caffeine? Stop roasting your beans and just pump pure caffeine into your brain. Or switch to cocaine. It’s the same crap with a different name. Wow! That makes me sound like I’m opposed to caffeine or in favor of cocaine. Whatever! Just put it in my drink!
——The SDA suggests drinking at least 2,000 milligrams of caffeine per day. No! That is incorrect and a terribly irresponsible mistake. Correction: The FDA suggest drinking NO MORE than 400 milligrams per day to AVOID possible overdose. Apparently too much caffeine can make you so darn peppy your body can’t handle it and you start doing backflips ala Teen Wolf except you turn into a pony. It’s just science. Other symptoms include divorce.
——According to a history book I found in the dumpster behind the library, 15th century Turkish wives could divorce their heavily mustachioed husbands for not providing enough coffee. I assume this law was ratified to lower the murder rates in Istanbul (previously known as Constantlynipple). Amazing how murder rates and coffee consumption rates are inversely proportionate. By the end of the century Turkish coffee shops were as multitudinous as Count Dracula’s illegitimate children.
——-Does divorce by itself seem like too few side effects? Let’s add Satanism, why not? Supposedly Italian clergy in 1600 tried to denounce the side effects of coffee as Satanic. Thankfully back at the Pope Cave, Pope Clement VIIIXIIMQII, who always swung a coffee filled censer in his swinging Vatican shag pad, said “Al naso con un tubo di gomma” (Literally: Up your nose with a rubber hose.) As punishment the offending clergy had their Hospitaliano Badges revoked and were stripped of their curly curly mustachios.
——Meanwhile, elsewhere (London, if you’ve heard of it) women, apparently irritated by their men enjoying themselves for once, decided to blame coffee. That’s like blaming the Apollo 1 disaster on Tang. But within the Wœmyns’ Petition Agænst Kyck-Ass Drynks they stated, “For can any woman of sense or spirit endure with patience that when she hops into her nuptial sack, expecting a man that should be super horny for the vigour of her flames, she on the contrary should only meet a flaccid cocktail weenie?” I don’t know much about 17th century women (or women in general for that matter) but I’ve seen some paintings and “vigour of flames” is not my first impression. I don’t think coffee is to blame here. It was just a happy alternative. Anyone wearing a 17 inch frilly Tudor ruff around their neck can stay away from my nuptial sack, I’ll tell you that right now.
——Despite the likelihood of the petition being actually written by Charles II, spurned as he was by hotbeds of coffee-fueled political unrest and smooth jazz, the effect of the petition was at least effective in inspiring the men to drink coffee faster than a Shamwow Towel™and jibber idiotically more than ever before! In their official rebuttal, the offended men argued that not only does coffee make them verile towering rods of pure testosterone able to send any woman into euphoric convulsions by a mere passing glance but that it also “dries up the Crude Flatulent Humours that should make men cut cheese all the tyme in the bed chamber.
——-Johann Sebaceous Bach wrote a song about coffee called “Schweigt stille, plaudert nicht,” metaphorically translated as “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!” Performed as a mini opera in local Austrian coffee houses, it presents a father-daughter argument wherein the coffee-powered girl insists that were she to give up coffee she would be as a dried-up non-flying goat. The worst kind of goat!
——-Bach wasn’t the only coffee composer. Beethoven is said to have made his daily cup using precisely 60 beans. I imagine he also sawed the legs off his coffee table so he could put his ear to the floor and hear it percolate.
——-Speaking of things that go “ploppity-plop”, it was believed Ted Roosevelt drank a gallon of coffee everyday. This turned out to be completely false however as later studies found that it was actually pure turpentine. Sadly, this makes even more sense. Unbeknownst to many, Theodore Roosevelt is now quite dead.
——-On the other hand, famed Enlightenment writer Voltaire drank 50 venti Unicorn Frappuccinos with whip every day and remains very much alive.
——-Switching to an all bean diet? Take Voltaire’s advice! Put on a beret and go with those charlatan cherry seeds we call coffee!