Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Bill Doll asks:
Is Scott Bakula actually Count Dracula?

Dear Bill Doll,
—–Laws regarding libel and defamation of character prevent me from simply writing “Yes” so let’s delve into this matter together and you may draw your own conclusions. Pray, cross this threshold into knowledge of your own free will and allow my powers of teaching to overtake you.
—–It goes without saying this question has obviously spawned from the similarity in the two names. Interestingly, the Count is described as being of a child mind, unaware of his capabilities and constantly testing his powers and limitations throughout the centuries. Unlike Scott Bakula, his name has inspired reverence and fear as he governed the principality of Walachia with horrific methods. He may have frequently changed shape, but changing his name was never necessary. Unfortunately, as history became legend and legend became sensational and sensations were parodied, in modern day the name of Dracula becomes laughable. And so, like the real-life Homer Simpson changing his name to avoid association with the fictional TV doofus, Dracula, suddenly aware that his name is a humorous byword, in a frantic search for an alias and having never attempted one before, childishly replaces the “D-R” with “B” and becomes Bakula. Could it have gone down like this? The answer to that question should be obvious but, alas, this is pure speculation. It seems we are in need of those antagonizing nuisances known as facts. Curse them! CURSE YOU FACTS!!!
—–The name Bakula comes from Croatian ancestry. With Romania containing a significant Croatian population it easily follows that this name could readily be on the blood stained lips of any random immortal Transylvanian prince.
—–Scott Bakula was supposedly born October 9 (Halloween Month… Just saying) 1954, in St. Louis, Missouri. I’m sure he has a plethora of documented evidence to support this claim and refute any accusations of instead being an ancient undead from Eastern Europe, which is all very convenient if you ask me. As a fascinating side note, St. Louis has an alleged history of vampiric activity dating back to early 1800’s. Coincidence? I laugh at the notion! Let’s continue.
—–According to the irrefutable internet, which, as we all know, professes nothing but truth (Har har har!), Scott “Bakula” attended Jefferson College and then the University of Kansas. Oddly enough, no mention is made of any time spent at the Scholomance, that school of the devil hidden deep within the Carpathian Mountains wherein every tenth entrant loses claim to his soul and is forced to remain and smite outlying Romanian fields with storm and thunder. A minor oversight, I’m sure.
—–Scott eventually left the UoK to join a national tour of Godspell which mysteriously never happened. He considered attending a Mormon theatrical school but again thought better of it, perhaps because he could not set foot on sanctified ground? Again, pure speculation.
—–Moving to New York in 1976, which may or may not have happened via large leathery wings, Mr. Bakula got into theater both on and off Broadway with the production of Three Guys Naked from the Waist Down getting him the most acclaim for obvious reasons. Was this play a masculine homage to Dracula’s three promiscuous wives depicted in Bram Stoker’s chilling tale? I’ve never seen the play or even heard of it, and I can’t and/or won’t find any information on it but, regardless, I’m sure it’s safe to conclude that Three Guys Naked from the Waist Down is nothing but vampire propaganda from start to finish.
—–Eventually, Scotty-boy landed a part in the pilot for the TV sitcom Designing Women and his career took off! Of course it did. Designing Women? I may be going out on a limb here but may I ask: Who has designs on women better than Count Dracula? Every time some long-necked honey walks into the room he’s like, “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Bak… I mean, DRAC-ula. Heh heh heh. Why would I say Bakula? That is not my name. How silly of me. My but what plump jugulars you have!” Next thing you know, he’s hovering outside Long-Neck Lanore’s window doing the hypno-stare. Now I ask you, is this the kind of man you want on a TV sitcom pilot with five blood-filled women, particularly Delta Burke!?! I say nay! Thank heavens Scott was only in five episodes. Was this due to the constant wooden steak threats he might have been receiving from Meshach Taylor? So far none of the cast members have commented on this matter. Do we dare ask them about it? I didn’t! And I suppose it is mere coincidence that when you rearrange the letters in Scott Bakula’s character’s name Doctor Theodore Shivley, it yields the words “Rediscovered Holy Tooth”. A subtle hint perhaps, Scott? Perhaps, but not so subtle as to evade the manic scrutiny of Professor Popinjay!
—– I find it strange (don’t you?) that a man with the name of Bakula could star in films such as Flight from Hell, Color of Night, A Passion to Kill, Lord of Illusions, Enter the Dangerous Mind, and Cats Don’t Dance, and yet he has not once portrayed Dracula in film. Doth the lady protest too much? Me thinks yes.
—–And now we come to it. What is the show that put Scott Bakula on the map but good? Of course it was none other than Quantum Leap. I’ll describe the premise. A man traverses the ages, taking control of a different person each episode. If this is not a set up for plausible deniability, I don’t know what is. Now, should some perceptive sleuth stumble upon antique photographs of Scott Bakula and accuse him of being a centuries-old Vampír Nosferatu, the accuser just sounds like a raving lunatic! But mark my words! I will find proof! You can’t fool us with that phony name! Bakula! What’s next? Brankenstein? Bodzilla? You think because you starred in a short-lived Star Trek show we’ll just overlook the monstrous impalements of over 20,000 Ottomans on the shores of the Danube! The Ottomans will not be your footstools anymore! We will have our revenge!

—–Thanks for a great question “Bill”. -Professor Popinjay

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