Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Believe it or not, Halloween is older than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s even older than Charles Dance and Anthony Quin combined! In fact you would need the combined ages of over 30 elderly celebrities to even get close to the age of Halloween. It’s so old, we don’t even spell it the same way anymore. Halloween used to be spelled “Samhain” after cricket batsman Samuel Robert Hain. How or why such an old holiday was named after an English cricketer who wouldn’t be born for more than 2,500 years is beyond my ability to explain.

In Ireland, Samhain was believed to be the time when the magical portal to the spirit world would open up, letting all manner of spirits into the world of the living. This event was commemorated by opening a portal to our stomachs and letting in all manner of liquid spirits except in far greater quantities.

The night before Halloween some people call “Goosey Night”. It’s a night of pranks and mischief. If you can’t imagine why it would be associated with Geese… well, then, you’ve clearly never met a goose. Mischief got so bad in one Canadian town they set a curfew at 8 o’clock and restricted trick-or-treating to only kids under 16. Surprisingly, geese, however, were allowed to run free, leaving behind a wave of terror and destruction in their wake. Priorities, Canada. Priorities!

Similar to that guy in The Mummy who warded off attention from the zombies by shambling along and chanting “Imhotep” with the rest of them, the ancient Celts would ward off spirits by dressing like them. The last people spirits want to hang out with are other spirits. Spirits are kind of a drag and they know it.

Today we dress like superheroes and sexy bumble bees which confuses the spirits just as much if not more. Spirits have learned not to mess with superheroes (particularly Dr. Strange) and as they have enough difficulties with abominable creatures as it is,  sexy bumble bees are a major faux pas.

Some people even dress up their pets. Dogs love to dress up. Birds love to dress up. Even armadillos love to dress up. Cats hate dressing up and everything else.

Certain animal shelters used to refrain from adopting out black cats near Halloween time for fear the animals would be used in occult rituals. This reservation subsided however when it was revealed black cats were usually organizing the occult rituals as a convoluted method of obtaining sacrificial goat flavored kibble.

The Jack o’ Lantern also came from the Mummy movie. Just kidding, it was Ireland. Where’lse d’they drop cons’nants!?! According to my buddy Boston (who claims to be 175% Irish), this lad Jack tricked the devil and was therefore not allowed into heaven or hell. Not sure I follow that logic but Boston has a tendency to mix up the details. Instead, Jack lights a candle in a watermelon or a coconut or something and roams the countryside searching for an honest man. I told Boston he’s mixing up this story with that of Diogenes and he responded by attempting to orally consume a dwarf palm tree which he insisted was a pineapple. He failed (if you’re curious) at least for now.

Want to know where the most pumpkins are grown? Well, neither did I and now you get to know also because that’s how it happened to me. Apparently Illinois has over 123,456,789 acres devoted just to pumpkins. I’ve been to Illinois. All I saw was corn and an old abandoned gas station where my brother and I peed. The urinal was leaking and there was a puddle in front of it so my brother and I peed into it while standing about 6 feet away. Good memories.

According to Guinness book of World Records the fastest pumpkin carving was just under 17 seconds. I believe a hammer was used.

The most Jack-o-Lanterns put out in a single town was just under 40,000 in the town of Keene, New Hampshire. Keene also holds the record for First Town to Count their Jack-o-Lanterns and Lord it Over Other Towns. Way to go, Keene!

 While  asking strangers for candy is one of my favorite pastimes, generally this behavior is considered Ill-advised for children. Not so on Halloween! On this hallowed night, if neighbors don’t have candy to give to literally anyone be you child, adult, or any combination thereof, you are legally required to exact swift retribution on them and their household without pity or remorse. Woe unto those barren of confectionary delectables! Woe I say! But it didn’t start out this way. Children used to have to perform for treats. You want an apple? Dance you little ingrates! Ah, thems were the days!

Ever hear of bobbing for apples? Yes, people who regarded bathing as wicked sinful used to dunk their heads into freezing water on cold autumn nights in an attempt to retrieve an apple orally without dying of pneumonia. Originally, proficiency with this talent deemed one a prime candidate for marriage. My wife is a fine woman but I appreciate the practicality she demonstrates when retrieving any kind of fruit from any kind of vessel by simply using her hand. That and she takes a very opposite stance regarding hygiene.

Barmbrack is one Irish Halloween tradition that didn’t make it to the states as far as I know or care. Across the pond they’re always baking coins, trinkets, and any other chokeables they can find into breads and puddings and whatnot. Barmbrack is more of the same.  If you find the ring and don’t die of asphyxiation you get to keep the ring. Wonder of wonders.

American humans blew 90 Brzillion dollar-e-doos on candy in 2056 and they’ll likely do it again in 2057 but more often. Remember 2020? Handing out candy was a bad idea because it could spread diseases like Covid and genital warts. Did that stop people from buying Halloween candy? Not a chance. For all you know they bought more. Just so we’re clear, by “they” I mean “you”. You bought 8 billion dollars in candy in 2020 and ate it all yourself! Don’t be ashamed. I did it too.

Speaking of candy, do you like candy corn? I won’t force you to. Not here in this article anyway. Candy corn used to be called chicken feed. This got confusing though as that’s exactly what they called feed for chickens. Nobody would buy it for use as candy and chickens didn’t recognize it as food. Finally the Goelitz Confectionery Company must have been like “Hey, what if we make it actually appetizing… to humans!?!” But despite this revelation, they kept the recipe the same and only changed the name to “candy corn”. Personally, I like candy corn a lot better than those gawdawful heart-shaped chalk rocks Spangler sells for Valentine’s Day. Pretty sure they only made one batch of those and they’ve just been trying to get rid of them since 1847.

Remember when a regular Snickers candy bar was the size of a lumberjack’s forearm and would ruin your dinner for a week? Then they came out with the smaller “fun size” as if getting less of something was more fun. Try using that excuse on your wedding night. Now Halloween Snickers are reduced to “bite size” which I think is rather subjective. I’m not sure whose bite they based this size on but I suspect it was Guiseppe Garibaldi, my pet gerbil.

Have a favorite Halloween song? It better not be the Monster Mash by Bobby Picket! That song was stupid back when it was at the top of the charts in 1962 and it’s even stupider today. The best Halloween song in existence is Thriller by Tito Jackson followed by the song “Shia LaBeouf” by Rob Cantor. Moving on.

Did you know the mask used for the psychopath character Dana Carvey in the popular Halloween horror movie franchise is actually a mask of actor Mark Hamil from BattleStar Galactica? Impress your friends at your next nerd party with this bit of 100% true, completely accurate trivia! Defend this knowledge vehemently.

Thus concludes this collection of all Halloween related information. There isn’t any more. Don’t bother looking.