Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

It’s time again to give thanks for our bounty. “Bounty? What bounty?” you ask as you sit in your Lazy-Boy watching your 240 inch screen TV. Well whether there’s a bounty on your head or not, I’m sure you have SOMETHING to be thankful for. I’m sure you also have traditions… I mean other than fighting at family get-togethers. Well, if you don’t have any traditions, I thought I might recommend some. Who knows? It could be the start of something grand!

1: Try wearing a shirt to the dinner table for a change. This is particularly preferable if you happen to be an exceptionally hairy relative like my Aunt Matilda.

2: Don’t just let the Turkey loose in the house and start shooting at it. Slaughter it before the family arrives. It’s more appetizing that way. As an added bonus there are less holes in the walls from shot gun blasts and fewer accidental deaths. If you absolutely MUST have some fatalities to consider it a party simply wait until the topic of politics arises.

3: Should the topic of politics arise don’t get mad. Make a game of it! Suggest outlandish policies and viewpoints toward whichever wing you sway, with each suggestion more extreme than the last. Each brandy glass your opponent throws through a window in disgust counts as a point!

4: Designate a Fart Room.

5: Set up an elaborate murder mystery dinner theater complete with hired actors. However, refrain from informing your visiting relatives of the charade. Imagine the look on Aunt Matilda’s face when she finds the body of the ice-sculpture delivery boy in the downstairs bathroom. What fun!

6: In the middle of dinner, arrange for a pizza to be delivered. Tell everyone it was just a precaution.

7: Dress like an early American settler complete with buckled hat and blunderbuss. Have fun with it until the time comes to accuse Aunt Matilda of witchcraft.

8: Instead of a kiddie-table, just put the children in the bathtub and fill it with gravy. You know they’re going to end up that way anyway.

9: Stuff your bra… with stuffing. You know the kind I mean.

10: During Black Friday shopping, walk around with an expectant look on your face while wearing a shirt that reads “Will Tazer anyone you point at for 100 dollars each.”

On that wonderful note, I shall bid you adieu and a Happy Thanksgiving! And if you can’t think of something to be thankful for, at least ask someone less fortunate to tell you what you’re taking for granted. Lot’s of love! -Professor Popinjay