Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Remember these are only suggestions. You are in no way required to do any of these unless you ever want to see your pets again. Just kidding. Your pets are just fine and have not been replaced by bio-mechanic surveillance monsters. Just forget I said anything. Yay thanksgiving! To the list!

10: Who says a tradition has to involve everyone? This one is just for you so pour gravy all over yourself and wallow beneath the table! Don’t knock till you’ve tried it.

9: Why does it have to be a flavorless same old turkey? Turkeys are just a catalyst for gravy anyway. What about a yak? What about a cheese filled yak? What about a deep fried cheese filled yak… stuffed into a buffalo? I’d be thankful for THAT!

8: For you vegetarians out there try this new tradition: Yammer on and on to everyone’s displeasure about how you tracked this carrot over five miles of midge infested swampland and then field-steamed it while it was still alive! High five all your vegetarian brethren sitting next to you.

7: Instead of surrounding yourself with morons and eating food you don’t really care for, stay home, watch football, and order a pizza. Not into football? Too bad. That’s all that’s on tv. That or the parade showcasing giant balloons shaped like cartoon characters you’ve never heard of because you can’t afford cable. Man, number seven is a no win.

6: Be the centerpiece.

5: Conspire with your siblings to all use the toilet consecutively but each to refrain from flushing. Great prank for big families.

4: Cover an inflatable turkey with cooked turkey skin. Swap with actual turkey while carver is unawares.

3: On Black Friday abandon any hopes of obtaining cheap goods and instead amuse yourself by filling other people’s carts with weird crap they’d never want.

2: Spare no expense to throw a lavish soirée in your attic while the regular Thanksgiving meal goes on below. Cordone off the event with velvet ropes and hire a bouncer to keep guard by the drop down staircase. Invite only your favorite cousins to sample fine wines and exotic cheeses while you snicker at the less fortunate beneath you.

1: Cook a separate turkey for each guest.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!