Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

10: Fill it with candy and use it as a piñata, a sick, twisted, meat piñata.

09: Use a cannon to fire it off randomly over a neighborhood and pray it crashes through the window of a less fortunate family so they too may have a nice Thanksgiving.

08: Snuggle.

07: Take the Turkey on a trip around the world, taking pictures of it in front of all the wonders. Then take pictures that indicate the turkey met someone in Italy and they got married and raised a family of Cornish game hens and are very happy. Pass these pictures around during Thanksgiving at the table where said bird rests. If these bum people out too much then reveal the second set of pictures that show the turkey on a high-speed chase, hurling grenades at random passerby.

7: Take it to Sea World, drop it in Shamu’s tank.

6: Replace the turkey with a cooked ostrich and blow everyone’s mind!

5: Make an elaborate puppet in the form of an infant xenomorph from the movie Alien and have your cousin (you know the one I mean) burst it through the turkey from beneath the table. Make sure he squeals ALOT! Classic.

4: Get four of them and use them as boxing gloves with a friend. No hitting below the belt except for butt shots because those are funny.

3: Dress it in a little tuxedo. Take it to the ballet.

2: Just give it a good ol’ spank, why not?

1: Impale it on a stake in your front yard as a warning to other turkeys.

Have an awkward Thanksgiving everyone!