Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Billy Wolf asks:
Professor Popinjay,
Are hotdogs Sandwiches?

Dear Billy,
The sandwich as we know it was created by the Earl of Sandwich in the year 0023 as far as anybody cares. The wiener was invented in Vienna as a practical joke. Eventually the two concepts were combined at an 1808 baseball game by a man with a ridiculously curly mustache and amazingly tight pants. This bread holder for meat was fast, efficient, and absorbent… incidentally the same qualities I look for in a wife.
Unfortunately the mere application of bread does not a sandwich make. Were that the case, meatloaf and bread pudding should be considered sandwiches and by cracky I won’t stand for it! As the single piece of bread is still connected, it is technically only HALF a sandwich and half a sandwich is like half a man, your enjoyment depends entirely on which half you have. So when the soggy bun inevitably separates due to the gallon of mayo you’ve applied, I suppose then it’s a form of sandwich… but it’s a stupid one.
The best vehicle for the ruby tube steak (as The Rolling Stones called the hotdog in their famous song) is a tube of bread. This is why I only consume corndogs, bagel dogs, and pigs in a blanket. In this way the confusion of weather I am eating a sandwich or half a sandwich is completely avoided as each of these are technically a form of beef Wellington.

Your pal, Professor Popinjay