Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Prof. Popinjay

First published Dec 27, 2020

You might not have realized it but this year has been kind of a drag. Surely we can derive some positive aspects out of it but forgive me if I’m grasping at straws. Perhaps forcing an optimistic spin on things will reveal a more constructive perspective. Let’s consider some of the things we’ve seen and learned throughout 2020.

1: Many people have still managed to meet, date, and fall in love despite having to wear a mask. In fact for some of us, the mask has helped our chances considerably.

2: We learned that there’s not a lot of appropriate alternatives for toilet paper but plenty of IN-appropriate ones.

3: We now know how easy it is to start a tiger ranch and possibly hide a body.

4: Instead of having to actually attend weddings we can now just send a pre-recorded video of ourselves attending something less boring such as a cage fight.

5: Several museums might have closed temporarily but thankfully their overpriced gift shop knick-knacks are still available at the dollar store without their logo on it.

6: A 1,000 year old lady survived COVID-19 and chugged a brewski afterwards. I assume she also smashed the can against her forehead and then belched the lyrics to Queen’s “The Show Must Go On”.

7: Lady Gaga did all she could to make wearing a giant plastic bubble in public the new normal.

8: Because of severe Sports Withdrawal Syndrome (SWS) we’ve discovered lesser known sports like Ferret Legging. It’s a contest to see who can endure a crazed ferret in their pants the longest. I’ve been playing this game since before it was cool.

9: A bunch of people had babies. Will these babies become generous benefactors to the human race? The suspense is killing me!

10: Customers had to learn new apps. Waiters had to learn how to roller skate. A pizza parlour had to turn their lobby into a nursery. Variety is the spice of life.

11: EMERGENCY MEETING!!! Who needs murder mystery parties when we can just play Among Us on-line? Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes played it to raise voting awareness. I’ll admit that’s how I became aware of voting. Nice work Alexandria. You’re not SUS in my book!

12: Once again the Academy Award for best picture goes to a film no one even heard of.

13: Staying indoors might have led to a bit of weight gain but just in time to blame it on the holidays. Conveniently I was already fat. That’s called foresight.

14: Several Drive-in Theatres reopened! Finally something to do in our cars besides heavy petting.

15: To lighten the general milieu, some people put out Christmas decorations even earlier than traditional October.

16: Crayola introduced a collection of diverse skin-colored crayons. Spray-tanned millionaires outraged at the absence of bright-orange.

17: Brad Pitt wins a hotdog eating contest! Also, an Oscar.

18: Pet adoption peaked this year and not simply because canned goods were scarce.

19: Automakers put efforts into manufacturing ventilators for hospital rooms. The new Preventilator 2020 has a sleek chassis, clears a room of all harmful particles in seconds and only requires an oil change every other day.

20: NASA’s Washington D.C. headquarters gets named after their first black female engineer, Mary W. Jackson. Not funny but very cool!

Obviously this is an impartial list. 2020 consisted of much more than tiger ranches and crazed ferrets. It does a heart good to make light of things but some events are still too close to look back on and laugh and toward other events we shall hopefully remain reverent indefinitely. One day we will be able to lampoon our antiquated ways that should have changed much sooner than they did. We’ve weathered 2020 and learned some important lessons. No matter what the new year brings, we’ll meet it head-on. We will think on the future without fear. And we will laugh. Happy new year.