Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Jack Elmlinger asks:

Professor Popinjay,

Did Santa Claus hang out with Jesus?

It’s not easy to become a Saint. You have to be athletic, keep your grades up, and you have to perform well enough to catch the attention of a football scout from New Orleans. Nicholas did just this despite being born in what is now present day Türkiye. Remarkably Nicholas’ parents were not Türkic despite his being born there. His parents were however very rich and dead though not at the same time. Nicholas used his great wealth to buy his immediate family a bunch of useless plastic garbage and flash-in-the-pan technology thus solidifying his place in the anals of history as one greedy kielbasa. No. That would be stupid. Nicholas used his wealth to take care of the needy, the sick, and the suffering, people like that guy who lives under my house (Edgar). He gets shelter and keeps the rat population at bay. He’s a crack shot with that harpoon gun I gave him. And isn’t that what Christmas is really all about? Supplying the homeless with harpoon guns?

Since Disney recently demoted Saint Nicholas to the “Legends” status, there are many tales centered around him which may or may not be exactly true such as the one about Santa, the Rabi and the dude with a four inch pianist. Among the more FACTUAL stories is one of my favorites, that of St. Nick paying the dowries of young maidens whose fathers were laid off from the department store after the holidays. Now, If you’ve ever typed the words “Türkic women” into a search engine (and let’s be honest, who hasn’t?) then you’d know that those weird candies that get stuck in your teeth are not the only kind of Turkish delight. And yet, for whatever reason, the fathers in ancient Greek-ruled Türkiye actually had to PAY suitors to take daughters off their hands. No dowry? No dice. That meant slavery time for the maidens and NOT the fun kind of slavery. I mean the kind where no one got paid. Thankfully Sinterklaas flew in, presumably via reindeer-drawn sleigh, and dropped a bag of gold into the girls’ frilly hosiery. The girls, having a sense of value in themselves far outweighing a tiny bag of gold, pooled their funds, bought a boat and sailed off into the sunset to establish the island of Themyscira. That’s right, if it weren’t for Santa, we wouldn’t have Wonder Woman… or frilly hosiery. 

Obviously, as a saint, Nicholas was very well aware of who Jesus Christ was and judging by his actions, clearly knew Him better than a lot of people who claim to. However, they were not contemporaries. They never “hung out” so to speak. If Jesus were into Pokemon Yellow, Santa would have been into Pokemon Moon. Same game, different time. Easy peasy.

All stories aside, Nicholas is celebrated because of his sacrifice, a sacrifice which he felt necessary because he believed a sacrifice had been made for him despite his wealth and position. Furthermore he saw his blessings not as a benefit merely unto himself but to be shared with everyone around him in need. Perhaps this is why he was entrusted with such riches and in giving he is richer still as the spirit of generosity he inspired continues to transcend our hearts through time and space. Whip those reindeer you jolly fat man! Whip them good!

I wish you all a double-plus good non-denominational multi-cultural omni-identified gender-neutral universally-equal unspecified time of year,

Professor Popinjay