Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A non-review by Prof. Popinjay

——-Behold a film featuring Sean Bean in which he does not die! Astounding!

———I’ve never read the book. I’m sure it’s a classic for a reason. It has had a million film adaptations including animated features and serieseses. It’s a story from the perspective of a horse, Black Beauty (played by phenomenal horse actor Docs Keepin Time). It’s narrated by the horse. Don’t worry though. Most of what he says is translated from varying snorts, neighs and whinnies into regular English with the Scottish accent of Alan Cumming who is conveniently fluent in Equinian, the language of horses and certain centaurs.

———I have to say, until I saw this film I never realized how curious I was as to the inner workings of a horse’s mind. I’m happy to announce I am now fully satisfied. A horse wants oats and a girlfriend. Two desires to which I can completely relate. They also want to not be bridled or snapped by a whip but I’m a human and he’s a horse. We’re not going to have everything in common.

———This was a sometimes sad, sometimes angering, and yet fully enjoyable film. But better than even the film itself is the music. Danny Elfman strays from his usual spoopy La-la-LA-LA-la-la-LA-LA choir and creates a very emotionally stirring theme that permeates this story with its variations. For me the film was a one-timer but the music I will listen to again and again. It’s just beautiful!

———New versions have come out since, even a version with a mare instead of a stallion. I’m sure several more are already planned and will be planned. It’s a bit like Tarzan or Jane Eyre in that regard. Dear God, do I ever hate Jane Eyre!