Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

—–If I said anything that might make a person want to see this movie, it would likely be a lie. This film had no robots. It had no super-powered people fighting other super-powered people. No aliens. No rocket powered jet packs. All it had was Ernest Borgnine. That’s it. Nothing exploded. No cars deliberately drove out of airplanes. Not a single punch was thrown by anyone despite it being a love story. If any of this inspires you to see this film, don’t get your hopes up. I guarantee you, 95% of Earth’s current population will not be able to make it through this hour and a half, black and white film despite it starring the voice of Mermaid Man from the show Spongebob Squarepants.

—–So why write a not-a-review of “Marty”? Because it was a breath of fresh air. That’s why. This wasn’t an action flick, and yet I was glued to the screen. It wasn’t a mystery, but I wanted to know what was going to happen. It wasn’t a comedy, but I laughed when the film wanted me to. It wasn’t a western, but I still hooted wildly and fired my six-shooters into the ceiling. I suppose this film was a romance, but it was not the passionate love triangle adulterous garbage we call romance today. Nor was it the serendipitous laughable clap-trap so many idiots dragged me to when I was dating. It wasn’t even a classical period film! For all I can tell it was filmed in 1955 and took place in 1955! This movie was just sweet, sweet in a way movies are incapable of delivering anymore. Sweet like my Aunt Hilda’s pickled rhubarb pie but with less whiskey!

—–Right now it seems every single movie without fail has some fantastic element about it. They are grandiose, spectacular, extravagant, magnificent, EPIC, and multitudinous. Now I love an epic world shattering storyline as much as the next crazy-eyed top-hat wearing humor writer with a weird mole by his right nipple but when epic films are all that’s out there, frankly they turn into white noise. Then there’s Marty. He doesn’t talk about his nipples in mixed company. He’s just a man who longs for love. He’s not especially attractive. He’s not Burt Reynolds. He’s Ernest Borgnine for crying out loud! He gets nervous around most women. And most women are nervous around him because he’s secretly a killer robot from the future. (That was a lie. Exciting though, eh?) Marty works as a butcher and lives with his mother. He’s the forty year-old virgin and no one is making fun of him for it. Why? Because he’s a man, not a man-child. He isn’t satisfied with the nightclub lifestyle all his friends are into, desperately trying to hook up with someone as equally desperate to temporarily fill that void in their lives for just one night, only to be left in the morning wearing nothing but a lampshade and a nasty ich. Marty wants something more, something worthwhile, something like a dog or a marmoset, only human and female, and able to carry on a conversation, and darned if I wasn’t going to watch this whole film and make sure he got it!

—–See this film. Even if you are an uncultured swine like myself. See this film. It’s not yet lost to history and it’s innocence should be revived not shunned. It ain’t gonna change your life or feed the hungry but it might at least show just how far kindness, and sincerity, and humility can bring us into adopting a dog or marmoset. I won’t waste my time on “love” stories like Bounce, Gigli, or Fifty Shades of Stupid. I am however glad I wasted my time on this. I thank you.

By the way, this uneventful colorless non-magical film won 14 freaking awards.

“I don’t do Movie Reviews”

-Professor Popinjay