Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

—–This movie was actually good at somethings, specifically, complicated set ups for satisfying pay-offs. I know no one is going to waste their time on this movie so I’ll just tell you what happened. Throughout the film the older son keeps repeating “I could drive this” as he is desperately trying to get his workaholic father’s attention and approval. Every time this line is said, its said in reference to a more unique vehicle than the one previously referenced until finally the kid is in a submarine saying “I could drive this.” The running gag was mediocre but the steadily growing absurdity made it work.
—–For some reason the father of the family (Mark Harman) goes a little kooky and starts digging a hole “to China” right there on the lake side. His daughter is charmed by dad’s sudden irrationality but the son is you’re typical moody teen and refuses to participate. Meanwhile, elsewhere a team of Japanese submariners (Is that a thing one can be?) Japanese Submariners, are preparing to launch their submarine to try and find the legendary low-budget magical lake monster. Later in the film, after the aforementioned hole is much dug, a small Japanese boy from this group falls into said hole, and is witnessed escaping the hole by moody teen. To this odd sight the teen, who did not see they Japanese boy initially fall in, says with bewilderment, “China?” It was funny but kind of racist. The teen and his sister quickly befriend the Japanese boy despite the language barrier so I guess that makes Moody Teen’s racial ignorance okay. Let this be a lesson to us all. If you’re digging a hole to the other side of the Earth, don’t just ASSUME Chinese people will come out of the hole. They could easily be Chechenian, Filipino, or even penguins. It’s a gamble really.
—–I also liked the part where the Japanese boy is practically yelling at the two main characters in Japanese for almost three minutes before the confused teen says, “You know? I think he’s trying to tell us something.” This merits an eye-roll from his little sister thus once again excusing the teens international ignorance… because he’s an idiot.
—–The other bizarre and possibly serendipitous pay-off is that of the hole being dug by the family (in shifts depending on their personal convictions) eventually falls through into, you guessed it, the cave of the Legendary Lake Monster who is, get this, sick and dying from pollution in the lake. After all the magic that has happened the little girl-person is terribly upset to find the Legendary Lake Monster in this infirmerous state and proceeds to act her little heart out! I’m surprised they didn’t just hand her an Oscar right there in the middle of the movie. If you don’t watch a single frame of this movie, watch this scene. I promise you will be aghast at your own emotions invoked by this tiny version of whoever she grows up to be.
—–Prepare yourself for the longest Oreo commercial you’ve ever tried not to see! “Magic in the Water” A movie surprisingly NOT about the special bubbles I make in the bathtub. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel some magic churning in me even now!

I don’t do movie reviews.
-Prof. Popinjay