Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

First published Feb 20, 2018

10: Blankets. Like twenty of them. No matter the weather. If she ain’t a human enchilada wrapped in enough blanket weight to squeeze a false confession out of someone against their will, she ain’t happy. They’re just hers too. You wanna blanket? Get your own. You better have a stand-by blanket too for when she steals the one you claimed as yours.

9: Forty pillows… but not on the bed. They sit in a chair off to the side while the bed is in use. There they wait until such a time as she should suddenly wake up and need forty weird-shaped pillows to support her various shapes and bits. DON’T YOU TOUCH THEM!!! She’s the only one clean enough to arrange them! You will always be filthy. Besides there’s no way you could possibly arrange the pillows properly. You’d likely place the heart shaped one on top of the cylindrical one, you brain-dead imbecile! Go sit in the corner!

8: Some kind of animal other than you. If you don’t have an animal to lose in her folds she shall resent you until you rectify the issue. It doesn’t matter what the animal is so long as she loves it. So I guess it does matter. She could fall in love with a gerbil. She could fall in love with a crazed aardvark. Whatever it is, you better buy it and let it sleep between you and her for the rest of its life. Congratulations! She’s happy. She’s happy you are BOTH now more intimate with an aardvark than you are with each other. It was all part of her plan.

7: Her ice cold ass and feet on you! Let’s face it. The only real reason she keeps you around is because you generate body-heat. It seems a physical impossibility to be simultaneously completely enveloped in blankets while still exposing butt and feet and yet, like some kind of sadistic Harry Houdini, she pulls this off. Thanks to your manly metabolism and eating habits and the fact that she has no blood of her own, you will always be warmer than she. Prepare to have your naughty-bits freeze and snap off like a leaky Otter-pop.

6: She needs to talk about nothing for hours on nights you really need to get some sleep. You know the night. You were up late with her for the past two nights playing Candy Land or finishing up a Gilligan’s Island marathon, or heck maybe you were up actually listening to her. Whatever the reason, you’re dead tired now. You’ve been dead at work. You were dead at home. The kids killed you some more. All you want is to drop on to your bed and sleep for the remaining four hours before you have to work again. That’s the perfect time to talk! Not converse mind you. She’s not interested in your input. She just has to regurgitate all the information she processed throughout the day such as what she had for breakfast and who came to visit and what they had to say and how that made her feel and what cute things the kids did and what she bought at the store and so on. Should you at any point work up the gaul to request some quiet so you might obtain that so distant sleep, congratulations, now instead of her just talking, you’re in an argument because you don’t appreciate her. This is how she forces you to eventually verbally express how much you do appreciate her. There is no other way. Deal with it you puss!

More to come…!