Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

First published Feb 22, 2018

5: If she has a bad dream, she needs you to go outside and make sure that bump she “heard” was nothing more than that darn wolverine rooting around under the house again. There was no bump. You and I know darn well there was no bump. She just had a dream. Does that mean you’re not going to put on a three piece suit and a baseball bat and beat the hell out of an imaginary wolverine in your crawl space? You bet your sweet bippy that’s what you’re gonna do! Rain, hail, sleet or snow. When you return, soaked, covered in mud, and scrapes and bits of animal hair, is she there waiting at the edge of the bed to hear your account of the epic battle that ensued? No. She’s either fast asleep or groggily wondering where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to you unfaithful bastard!

4: She needs to pee. Perfectly understandable. Why she has to crawl over you to get out of bed when there is ample walking space on all sides is a bit of a mystery though, especially considering the door to the bathroom is on HER SIDE OF THE BED!!!

3: She must never acknowledge that she snores. You both snore. You sound like a pack of rabid rottweilers fighting over a snausage. She tells all her friends and family you snore and everyone laughs and gives you advice. “You should take these pills. They stop the snoring but they may cause heart palpitations and make you sexually attractive to armadillos.” “You should have that surgery where they remove your skull and replace it with various tubes! You’ll look like a proboscis monkey but hey no more snoring!” “Have you tried sleeping while hogtied hanging from a ceiling fan? That worked for a guy’s cousin I knew.” But if you should mention that she too is a snore composer she looks all innocent and says “Why little ol’ me? Snore? I do declare! I’m certain I haven’t the capacity for such vulgarities.” And then friends and family alike console her while giving you dirty looks.

2: She needs perpetual back rubs. The moment you stop rubbing her back is the moment she wakes up and accuses you of not loving her. So you rub that back! RUB IT! Don’t get all lazy and start to fall asleep either. Put some elbow grease into it! Her back isn’t going to rub itself! None of this limp-wristed patty-cake BS! She needs shiatsu or some other kinky Japanese technique possibly involving a squid. No excuses. Just make it happen! Oh and she’ll still be enshrouded in 20 layers of fabric so you’re gonna have to really work hard. What else would you be doing right now? Snap to!

1: You. She needs you. That’s really romantic until she wants to take a nap while you finally got that bug in your butt to get some work done around the house or partake in some recreational activity. “Thinking about going golfing? Well, too bad. Get your ass in here and stare at the ceiling for next three hours because I’m taking a nap.”