Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

It’s a strange thing, remaking mysteries. I’ve seen many incarnations of Murder… referring specifically to Murder on the Orient Express. Hmmm. Probably not the wisest way to abbreviate that title. I’ve seen many incarnations of Orient Express. That sounds better.

I know what happens. The chicken monster shows up and everyone dies. The end. So why make a new movie of a mystery to which every ubercultured swine like myself knows the ending?

Because Kenneth Branagh hadn’t yet played Hercule Poirot and by golly who the hell is going to stop him!?! You!?! PATHETIC!!! Nothing will stop the Grand High Branagh from playing every lead role in existence!!! NOTHING! He’s the Lawrence Olivier of our time! Let him play Othello! Let him play Evita! Let him play both Enis AND Jack in Brokeback Mountain! Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Why not call it by its actual title Gilderoy Lockhart and Some Less Interesting Plot Points!?!

I assume the only thing stopping Kenneth Branagh from playing every single role in Orient Express was the Screen Actors Guild begging him to let some other actors have some money too.

I’m so used to David Suchet as Poirot. He had the little perfect mustache. He is the quintessential Poirot in my opinion. Albert Finney even had the signature mustache in the 1974 Orient Express. Peter Ustinov as Poirot had a slightly larger mustache and strangely Germanish accent in his modernized versions of the classic Agatha Christie mysteries. But Branagh? He took the mustache to a whole new level. I imagine he kicked in the door of the mustache trailer and yelled, “Poirot is Belgian, Dammit! And it’s 1934! Glue a whole cat to my face!” 

I never imagined Kenneth “I’m on every page of the script” Branagh would allow himself to be upstaged by his own facial hair but that’s apparently just how important his mustache was to him in this film.

“Poirot is basically the wolfman in this version” said a random person on set just before they were forcibly escorted off the soundstage.

So was this any good? Of course it was. There is good reason Branagh is Branagh. Branagh gets results! Granted he’s no John Goodman but he gets the job done with gusto!

I loved how they promoted this film too. The trailer features a startling scream mixed with the sound of a locomotive’s brakes and whistle causing a bit of a jump scare (sorry, spoiler alert) and eventually kicks in “Believer” by Imagine Dragons, one of 437 trailers to use that song in 2017. Imagine Dragons is probably swimming in royalties money like Scrooge McDuck right now.

Unfortunately Express suffers one major flaw and it’s no one’s fault but Agatha Christie’s. The story may be grand and epic and thrilling but it is missing Col. Hastings. Hastings was not introduced in Murder on the Orient Express which sadly means there is a stark lack of humor and Poirot is without his foil against whom he may ruminate his ponderings nor ponder his ruminations. It means the story is not spelled out in a concise economic fashion which is fine but the lack of humor makes this rather emotionally draining in the long run. Despite this factor, it’s a very well written story and I fully recommend it.

More than this however, I recommend the Murder on the Orient Express stage play by Ken Ludwig. Written at the request of the Agatha Christie Estate, this stage adaptation includes a much needed dose of humor while not once diluting the gravity of the grave situations around which this story revolves. In fact, I would even venture to say it drives the points home even more than the original with the addition of a cold start in the form of a prologue performed before the stage lights come up wherein we only hear the beginnings of the heinous crime committed by the play’s antagonist. It is chilling. And it sets the mood in what almost immediately reveals itself as a delightfully humorous adaptation.

I had the distinct pleasure of seeing this production performed by The Very Little Theatre in my hometown with Hercule Poirot ironically played by a man actually named Achilles. It was stupendous! If you ever get a chance to see Ken Ludwig’s adaptation of Murder on the Orient Express, do not miss it! And should you find yourself in Eugene, Oregon, do visit the Very Little Theatre. It is always a very satisfying experience.