Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

(1993) (2023)

A non-review by Professor Popinjay

The 1993 Super Mario Bros. film is widely regarded as a bad Mario movie. But is it a bad movie without Mario? Probably. But is it a fun bad movie? I like to think so.

When I watch the 1993 Super Mario Bros. I find myself genuinely enjoying it. Yes, I think part of that enjoyment comes from the fact that this was supposed to be a Mario movie and it hilariously missed the mark like an archer who, fully aiming for the target, suddenly points the arrow skyward and ends up hitting an ostrich right through the bird’s accordion.

But every actor in this thing was giving 2000%! The plot and dialogue are obviously not magnificent examples of human literature. But does that stop Bob Hoskins from doing a perfect Brooklyn accent while making me believe he’s a plumber who got sucked into a gritty underground dimension ruled by evolved dinosaurs? No, he freaking kills it! And John Leguizamo, who now thumbs his nose at movies for not featuring enough racial diversity, an accusation apparently based solely on the criteria that he personally was not cast, did he make us believe Mario Mario was Luigi Mario’s surrogate mother? You bet your sweet bippy he did! Did Dennis Hopper act like Dennis Hopper pretending to be a version of Dennis Hopper with a CGI lizard tongue? He Dennis Hoppered the crap out of that Dennis Hopper! And was Bob Hoskins clearly more interested in knocking boots with Francesca P. Roberts than he was in actually being in this movie, even while the camera was rolling? Watch their scenes together and then tell me why your answer is YES!

Also, I think I speak for everyone when I ask Nintendo 1: Please make Big Bertha Mario’s official love interest and 2: Make her a playable character in all Mario games henceforth and retroactively.

If you were to look into the various interviews surrounding this film, you would know Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper were quite vocal about how much of a nightmare this production was. Their true feelings about the project versus their charisma on screen is a testament to their professionalism and talent. They carried this movie on talent alone despite adverse situations. It’s noted Hoskins did not even know Mario was a video game character until his son brought it to his attention. It seems Hoskins was asking himself  “How can I make this character real?” not “How do I become a video game character?”. I think this mind set shows in his performance.

It was kind of a let down when it came out but now it has a special place in my heart. Perhaps that’s just nostalgia, or perhaps these people are just really fun to watch. Probably a bit of both.

Then we come to The Super Mario Bros. Movie in 2023. It’s animated. It has an all-star multicultural cast minus John Leguizamo. It has fun! It has humor! It has the Mushroom Kingdom with all its vibrant colors as opposed to a weird dark dystopian extra-dimensional dystopian alternate reality. It is undeniably Mario. Its plot was a little weak but honestly, who cares! We’re finally getting actual Mario action on the big screen! Let’s face it. The plot of the video game isn’t all that complicated so why complicate the movie with extra gobbledygook?

Yes, the damsel in distress scenario is virtually unacceptable in this day and age and making Princess Peach more than kidnap fodder was probably a necessary step. Personally, adding some depth to her makes her character more relatable and likable in my opinion. She isn’t just a mcguffin to be rescued anymore. She’s a person. And she always should have been. On the flip side, I’m not sure turning Luigi into the damsel in distress was the answer but whatever. Maybe I do want to complicate things. I don’t know. What I do know was this: The old movie was fun. The new movie was fun. They both had problems but I don’t care because I had fun. I’m not going to let bizarre or nonsensical story choices dilute that fact.

Plus, I’m grateful to see Nintendo getting back in the pool for movies. Critics and audiences stomped the first film like a heavily-booted plumber but we didn’t kick Nintendo away to bounce them off a pipe and send them down a bottomless pit. We hopped over and moved on. Finally after a couple decades of inactivity they began to stir again and finally came out of their shell ready to face their adversary. I sincerely hope this means more Nintendo properties will make their way to the big screen. I can’t wait for a Balloon Fight movie!