Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Mike Michael Ellis asks:

What’s up Chicken butt?

Dear My Kellis,
So far as I can tell, stinky pink stuff. Butt I shant stop there. Nay. Did you know chickens don’t even have butts? So what was I inspecting so vigorously? Its called a cloaca (KLO-ASA) and apparently, much to a young egg’s chagrin, the cloaca works as a combination egg depositor and poop chute. Before you conclude that subject as sounding absolutely horrible, consider: you eat and throw up out of the same tube. Now consider the multifunctions of other orifices. You see? Animal and human alike, we are all equally disgusting. Butt I shant stop there. Nay. Another name for this pollo precipice is a vent. I had an uncle who would use his as a vent after Thanksgiving dinner but frankly I don’t see why this applies to chickens.

According to my research, Chicken’s butts frequently become infested with lice and mice, most likely because they rhyme which is why chicken also goes so well with rice and spice. To prevent these wee beasties from taking up residence on your poultry’s posterior a procedure called fluffing is applied. Yes, even you can get a job in the fast paced, high paying world of chicken butt fluffing! Call your local grocery store and tell them in no uncertain terms that YOU are a professional butt fluffer and YOU want to fluff chicken’s butts and you want to do it right NOW! Post your results later.

While the lice just crawl all over the butt, the mice simply use the chicken butt as a sort of hut, a chicken butt hut which also rhymes. Now that I mention it, one might decide The Chicken Butt Hut sounds like the worst name for a restaurant butt you’d be right… except in Thailand and Korea! Over here in the good ol’ US of A we just cram a can of beer up there and throw it on the grill but in Korea, a delicacy called Dak Dong Jib, supposedly available at any Soju joint, is a dish consisting primarily of, you guessed it, a chicken’s butt. It is stir fried with gochujang, garlic, onions, bell peppers, and Korean hot peppers. You can also get it on a stick if you’re into that sort of thing. This tasty treat is described as sweet, fatty and firm which, I have to admit, is the description of a well rounded butt. Ask any Korean man how he likes his butt and he is likely to tell you, “Sweet, fatty, and firm, baby!” Although it would be in Korean so, “Dan, Jibang, mich Hoesa, Baby!” Be sure to learn that phrase so the next time you find yourself famished in a Soju joint you’ll know you won’t be getting a stick full of salty, lean, flabby butt. Gross! You’ll be able to take a hefty bite with confidence and say, “Jigeum-eun mas-i eongdeong-libnida!” (Now this is a tasty butt!)

As I understand it, in case you are interested, the best place to get Dak Dong Jib on a stick is at the Shilin Market in Taipei. You know what I have to say to that? FIELD TRIP! Mmmmm, can’t you just smell those tasty butts cooking already?

-Hope you regret asking as much as I regret researching, Professor Popinjay