Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Prof. Popinjay

Depression can manifest in the most optimistic of people, even possibly Pat Sajak, and can result in physical symptoms none of which necessarily include sitting around acting like Edgar Alan Poe. As we are unaccustomed to being packed into our domiciles like kipper snacks due to COVID, a large portion of us may be at a loss as we experience symptoms of depression. “Should I drink a glass of water and stand on my head?” Some ask in complete seriousness.

Thankfully there are steps which can get us out of the rut and improve our emotional and physical health. Keep in mind however, depression is highly personal and these methods should be tailored according to your needs. Consulting a health professional is always recommended over the poorly researched pseudo-advice of a half-crazed humor columnist. Full disclosure: I’m not Dr. Ruth.

1. Feel yourself!
For some it’s easy to laugh off concerns for our mental health, chalking our feelings up to those five gas station burritos we ate or that surly sea captain what gave us the evil eye down at the pier. But we should take these concerns seriously. It’s not just you being silly emotional. Your emotions (and your body) are pleading with you for attention. That sea captain and his disapproving gaze may have triggered your seemingly inappropriate emotional response because there is something more serious going on in your life which you are refusing to truly acknowledge. Acknowledge it! Avoid the sea captain though.

2: Don’t want to adult? Need to mope? Well do so, Mr. Allnut.
If you realize you’re in the doldrums let it wash over you! Pretending everything’s fine is like pretending you enjoy your mom’s latkes so she makes you nothing but latkes for a month. Be honest with your mom and yourself. It’s okay to not be fine and your mom’s latkes suck fatty.
Just try to do SOMETHING. Pull the feather out of your hat, dip it in ink and write down how you feel. It can be very therapeutic. Wearing a blousy poet shirt might help too.

3. Never Say Tomorrow Dies Another Day.
…a great name from my Random James Bond Movie Title Generator and good advice too. You might have been in a mood today but that doesn’t mean it will extend to tomorrow. Tomorrow Joe Don Baker might swing through your living room window and drag you into some cockamamie adventure. You never know. Give yourself some leeway so you can swerve your weaponized Aston Martin and hit a few traffic cones. You deserve it. It’s easier to cope when you realize the symptoms of depression are not constant and tomorrow is a new day so Never Say “Never” Again Forever Twice, Your Majesty.

4. Don’t cancel the whole show for a couple bad episodes.
Generalizing is always a terrible mistake everyone makes all the time. It’s always a temptation to unfairly jibe the person who accidentally burnt the lime Jell-o™ despite the fact they cooked an almost perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Likewise, we shouldn’t let one negative event or comment overshadow an otherwise good day. Remember that award ceremony when Larry pulled your underwear over your head in front of everyone and pushed you into that huge bowl of guacamole? You still got the award, didn’t you? A single jerk should not a bad day make. Vent with someone about it. Laugh about it. Steal Larry’s wallet and move on.

5. Buck up little camper and turn that frown upside down!
Please don’t kill me. I know what I said. My point is, sometimes doing the opposite of what the negative “intuition” is telling us might be the best option. Don’t feel like getting dressed? Get dressed. Don’t feel like going for a walk? Go for a walk. Don’t feel like preparing food? Prepare food. Don’t feel like noticing a pattern? Notice a pattern.

6. Don’t eat anything bigger than your head.
Whether you have trouble getting motivated like my cat or you’re a high-functioning person with depression like my dog, it’s important to not over do it like my horrible parrot. A routine can help jump start your day, keep you going, or help you close out the day on an orderly note and as we all know, orderliness is next to being supreme master of the universe. Just don’t let it go to your head. It’s great to be motivated but when you realize you won’t be finishing that whole party sub in one sitting, burnout can occur.
Instead of “Spend the evening grooming myself”, try just taking a shower. Don’t stay up all night doing laundry. Shower with your clothes on and kill two horrible parrots with one soggy shoe. If you missed your window for left earwax excavation there’s no shame in waiting until next month. Until then just use your right ear. The goal is to keep yourself motivated, not turn yourself into some kind of clock-themed Batman villain.

7. Toot your own horn!
It’s not necessary to erect a Hellenistic monument everytime you decide to get out of your comfort zone but if you should happen to say, join some friends in a rousing session of Mario Kart when you didn’t exactly feel like it, at the very least put a gold star sticker on your Extreme Hedonism chart. Acknowledging your victories can help you into a more positive mindset. Get ten gold stars and buy yourself a new Hot Rod magazine or whatever you’re into. I don’t know.

8. “Now… it is time… to have… fun.” -Oroku Saki
Vegetating in front of a Hasslehoff marathon is fine for relaxation but don’t mistake it for recreation. David shouldn’t be the only one to benefit from slow motion running. Dig up that old passion you hid beneath the floorboards and take another crack at it. Play a pirate chanty on that old pipe organ you have in your treehouse. Bring a net to the park and catch pokemon. Dust off your dad’s unicycle and juggling pins. If you loved it and used to do it, do it again. You may be surprised to learn you love it still… and it loves you.

9. Ein kleine Glücklich musik!
We often choose music that reflects our mood but consider choosing music to alter your mood. It doesn’t mean you should listen to Hanson’s “MMMBop” just because it’s upbeat. It means if Rammstein puts some pep in your step then by all means, listen to them! For me nothing gets me going better than a polka from Whoopee Wilfahrt. Shoot! His name alone brightens my day!

10. Go up a mountain and come down less depressed.
Don’t spend too much time in doors with Hasslehof and Rammstein. Basking in the sunlight increases serotonin levels. Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter! I don’t know what that means but it made me sound smart so I wrote it! Replacing the sounds of the city with the delightful chirping of birds, feeling the warm sunlight, seeing the hypnotic swaying of the trees, inhaling the fresh air, being casually stalked by a mountain lion; that’s what I call “invinegarating”.

11. People are strange when you’re a stranger…
Get a person around you! Someone you enjoy! Invite cousin Oliver over for tea and then kindly ask him to get out. Even a brief visit with your neighbor (Janet, likely) can be a healthy dose. Don’t just assume you’re a burden but don’t inundate everyone with worries and concerns either. There’s a time and a place for that. Also, try to refrain from squeezing their head. People don’t go for that these days. Just enjoy the company of another human for a while. It is a necessity we often neglect.

12. Expand your mind, baby!
New activities get your brain out of stagnation! Learn how to make crepes suzette and then feed it to your dog when you fail! Who cares!?! You tried something new and your doggo loved it! Take curling lessons. Nothing like frantic sweeping while being chased by a boulder to get those neurons firing. Volunteering with a benevolent organization can give you purpose and reignite a sense of self-worth; plus you might get to drive a little go-kart! If you don’t like it don’t sweat it. You have a new experience, you met some people, and you’re moving! Just promise me you’ll avoid this free form jazz.

13. Good manners cost nothing.
Common courtesies are as good for you as they are for others. Plus they make Emily Post happy, and who doesn’t want that? Greet warmly (sans maniacal grin). Bid fond farewells (sans maniacal laughter). Express sincere gratitude for the blood, sweat, and sacrificial goats someone put into organizing the event, et cetera. Be lavish in your praise. Write nice notes (in ink this time). Give little gifts (refrain from immediately asking to borrow it). Speak highly of others to a third party. Good gossip I calls it. Such appreciation will be returned to you seven fold. Yea, even ten!

14. Meditation? That’s what you think.
Take moments of inactivity to contemplate your navel and sort out your noggin. This is neither idleness nor stagnation. Some call it meditation, some call it finding your center, some call it defragmenting your hard drive. Regardless of what you call it, taking time to actively THINK without distraction is a powerful tool for refocusing your purpose and grabbing the bull by the horns later.

15. Throw out your microwave.
May I gently propose the possibility that our brain chemistry might benefit from limiting the gallons of diet pepsi we guzzle? This goes for whatever preferred stimulant in which we partake. I’m told I can be quite the drill sergeant when it comes to dietary advice so I’ll maintain myself. I’m a terrible hypocrite in this matter anyway. We all know we should’ve refrained from eating those five gas station burritos. Let’s move on.

16. Dream a fantastic dream.
Too little, too much and poor quality sleep can worsen depression symptoms. It’s just like Benjamin Franklin says, “Early to bed and early to rise boosts your immune system, prevents weight gain, strengthens your heart, improves your mood, increases your productivity, and heightens sensory perception and memory.” He later shortened the adage and made it rhyme. Trust me.

17. There’s no shame in seeking professional help.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the spoonful of sugar with which I pair advice but please understand I take the subject matter very seriously. Whether your symptoms are overwhelming or you think you could just use a little maintenance, these methods can be useful for either. Nevertheless, if your symptoms are severe, a medical professional can refer you to the right specialist to suit your needs. And believe it or not, the ER is not just for people who encountered mountain lions. Other reputable venues for help for yourself or even a friend include the following:

SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357) http://www.samhsa.gov

NAMI Helpline- 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) nami.org

Both options come highly recommended by ACTUAL mental health professionals, not just humor columnists. You got this!