Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

This came up at the almost end of a long line of films I’ve viewed, all of which would normally be cataloged into the “I’ll write about this eventually” file, but not this title. I want to write about this right now, while it’s fresh.

I’m sorry this turned into a two parter but it can’t be helped. This movie has so much crazy crap going on it necessitates analysis.

I thought about doing a comparison between this movie and “Where the Red Fern Grows” simply because I happen to watch these two consecutively but that would be like comparing Gladiator to The Peppa Pig Movie.

Many of the promotional materials for Two Bits & Pepper come off as serious and heartfelt, an endearing tale of two friends who love their equine counterparts and share the unbreakable bond of friendship. Aww! So sweet.

I chose the movie poster for this article that slapped Joe Piscopo’s name right in the middle because if the unbreakable bond of friendship couldn’t sell this dvd, maybe Joe Piscopo could?

Back in the 90’s, if you were a kid, there were two huge movies made just for you. Only two. Home Alone and Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey because kids love Sally Field and Don Ameche. These two films engaged in coitus and spawned a swarm of kid films, kid sports films, animal movies and animal sports movies that also featured kids. Babe, Gordy, Fly Away Home, Rookie of the Year, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Angels in the Outfield, Angels in the Infield, Angels in the Endzone (I’m not kidding), Home Alone 2, Home Alone 3, Home Alone 4, Home Alone: The Holiday Heist, Home Sweet Home Alone, Air Bud, Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Air Bud: World Pup, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back, Air Buddies, Snow Buddies, Space Buddies, Santa Buddies, and Air Bud: Don’t Scratch Your Balls at the Table. (It was a billiards movie.)

Okay, so they (gnomes) have been making these kinds of movies since 1910’s Jean and the Calico Doll starring Jean the Vitagraph Dog. Maurice Maeterlinck’s The Blue Bird (1918) is considered to be the first live action film geared toward children. Some of these kinds of films have a soul. Others are soulless cash grabs. Two Bits & Pepper I feel falls somewhere in between. It feels like someone had some horses and some daughters and genuinely wanted to make a cute movie about them and they just happened to see Joe Piscopo on a street corner holding a “Will act for food” sign. I assume Joe agreed to do it and also negotiated a part for his slightly demented, perpetually farting, very near-sighted brother. Of course as we all know, Joe Piscopo does not actually have a slightly demented, perpetually farting, very near-sighted brother and the filmmaker was aware Joe was just trying to get paid twice by acting in both roles but they relented out of compassion for Joe’s dire situation and respect for his pride. This is purely my conjecture. 

So we have a half passion project, half “Joe needs to be paid twice so this better generate some revenue” project.

A lot of this film also felt like it was trying to teach kids important lessons in obeying parents (even parents incapable of self-regulating) and being wary of strangers.

My first problem with these lessons is with the mother of one of the girls. While justified in her anger at her daughter for disobeying (by crossing the highway and riding her pony to town), Mom really flies off the handle and practically tells her approximately 9 year old daughter to run away. If the daughter had simply misinterpreted what the mom said, that would have been more forgivable and believable.

Chalk it up to bad acting and/or bad writing but mom’s over the top reaction made it seem like the mom had some traumatic backstory that needed to be unpacked right now in this film but it doesn’t happen. Mom does spend the rest of the film feeling stupid and remorseful while her infinitely patient husband consoles her. That irked me too though. It was clear to me the mom needed some counseling. If she’s able to treat her daughter that way, I can only imagine how she treats her husband. His surprisingly calm reaction to this situation seemed very unrealistic. Maybe I’m the asshole here but, short of chewing this woman out, at the very least I would like to diplomatically but strongly suggest she get some serious help before she explodes and says something else that puts our daughter in harm’s way again.

But, hey, this was the 90’s. Counseling was reserved for Kale-slurping yoga teachers suffering the emotional effects of their 9th divorce, am I right?  And since the School of Spankology was repurposed purely as a form of adults-only recreation at this point in history, verbal abuse was the last ditch effort 90’s parents could use to discipline children without resorting to treating them as if they were actual autonomous human beings. As I lay here in the downward dog position, slurping my kale drink, I feel certain society has benefited from allowing children agency in all things. That’s why we have a swimming pool full of orange soda and beans in my backyard! Maybe telling a nine year old to get the hell out was the best course of action. Who am I to judge?

To be continued much to my chagrin.