Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

It’s been said when we’re alone we’re in bad company. It’s said artists are often their worst critics. Look at the lengths Van Gogh went just to avoid painting ears! We can be pretty hard on ourselves. But that harsh inner monologue doesn’t have to be so critical or mean or dismembering. You can like yourself, your choices, and your artistic depictions of overly muscular anthropomorphic wolves if that’s what you’re into. Self-confidence can get you out of bed, ready to carpe diem and it can help you assert when you need rest so you can carpe somnum.

We all know at least one person who is super confident all the time even though they never drink coffee or consume hallucinogenic mushrooms. Some of these types are arrogant pricks whom everyone hates. Others are more like Keanu Reeves.

But I’m not here to help you be like Keanu. That would take centuries and an indomitable will. Nevertheless, rest assured, by the time we’re done here you WILL think of yourself as a perfectly sculpted paragon of natural beauty and charisma, a divine wit graced upon the Earth to the betterment of all you survey… but also humble.

Many people are at extreme ends of the self-confidence spectrum. Either a person is an unhappy pushover, begrudgingly accepting the four piece McNuggets (even though they paid for the ten piece) just to avoid getting into an awkward situation OR they are an unhappy tyrant, entitled, and demanding satisfaction from anyone who tries to give them a McNugget slightly smaller than the other 19 McNuggets they received (even though ten of those McNuggets were free). Yes, the self-confidence spectrum is strangely McNugget oriented. Psychology is a bizarre and unfathomable science.

“Hey, Pwofesso! What are Self-Confudintz anyhow?” -Billy, age 4.5

Well, Billy, you precocious little scamp, at the root of Self-confidence is “confide” which means trust. If you don’t trust yourself then you’re obviously keeping secrets from yourself but guess what, I’m a big blabbermouth. I’m going to reveal to you right now the secret you’ve not confided in yourself. Here it is: You are valuable, highly valuable, priceless even. And yet Life has been afforded to you (priceless as you are) for one reason and one reason only, because despite all your imperfections and beautiful humanity: you are worthy and Loved. You are worth it. You’re worth more than a Faberge Egg with a side of Faberge Bacon.

Now you may ask: What have I done to be so valuable? Great question! The answer? Nothing! As cool as your 1st Place Trophy from the 1986 Annual Belching Contest may be, self-confidence is not about your accomplishments. Feeling good about your monkeyshines is called self-efficacy and yes, accomplishing goals can help your confidence, but let’s not put the cart before the horse. That’s not how horses do.

Self-confidence is about your irrefutable CAPABILITIES! Here they are in a nifty little list:

1. You are capable of enabling others to see your value by affording to them that which was afforded to you (priceless life) and recognizing they are also more valuable than the aforementioned jewel encrusted breakfast foods.

2. You are capable of maintaining your self-respect even in situations where others are repurposing your lunch for their own impromptu art installations. 

3. You are capable of valuing those who do not yet value themselves (people like Pat Sajack and Tommy Lasorda).

4. You are capable of saying “no” when you want to say “no” and refusing to let others live vicariously through you by inflicting on you obligations that are not your responsibility. Shaving your boss’s back was not in the initial job description!

5. You are capable of taking on responsibility as you see fit, even though you may not be obligated. It’s nice that you take your neighbor’s aardvark for a walk. Maybe she’ll invite you to dinner. I mean the neighbor, not the aardvark. They eat ants. It’s gross.

6. You are a magnificent dynamo, a powerhouse of assertiveness, capable of walking right up to a clerk or cashier, smiling at them, and politely requesting a cheeseburger. And even though they laugh at your request because you didn’t realize you were at a law firm office, not a burger joint, you can laugh with them because you know everyone makes mistakes and that’s okay. And if you think about it it’s kind of on them anyway because “McDonald, Hamm & Berger- Attorneys at Law” is a terrible name for a law firm.

That was such a great list! Internalize it! INTERNALIZE!!! Next subject.

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

-Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

With all due respect, sir, that is just one more lie we tell ourselves. We CAN handle the truth, and the truth is: Blows to our confidence do not only come from within. If someone is willfully and maliciously and repeatedly running you down verbally, pushing you down the stairs, bonking you on the head, stealing your Microsoft dinosaur cd-rom, kicking you in the groinal region, giving you a deeply penetrating wedgie, and sticking your head in a toilet and flushing it so your hair looks like soft-serve ice cream, it can affect your confidence. Some of us believe we deserve this treatment. Poppycock! You don’t deserve it! Call these behaviors out! Talk to them or their congressman or their mom. I don’t know who your mom is, Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, but if you don’t keep your voice down and stop giving people swirlies, you’re going to get such a smack-bottom! And possibly court martialed.

In a world where many see fit to blow your candle out to make theirs seem brighter, it is up to us to choose language and behaviors that support and grow our self-esteem. Recognizing that these blow-hards have undoubtedly been hurt too, and were for whatever reason provided solely with Vin Diesel movies as models for coping with that pain, can help us relate and extend compassion to those jerks. In choosing to put a stop to the escalating cycle of reciprocating pains inflicted on us, we not only sooth others but create an impenetrable shield against their misguided emotion-missiles, just like Captain America …and to a lesser extent, Captain Wisconsin, whose shield is made of cheese but is just as impenetrable.

“Professor, profess now unto me

This language and behavior

Of which thou art privy,

And grant to us your favor.”

-Richard III, Duke of Gloucester

Listen Rich, there are better ways to achieve self-confidence than seizing the throne of England through lies and treachery! Pay attention.

There beeth a fine line between being passive and being assertive. Passivity means you’re permitting yourself to be overlooked, bypassed, ignored, swept under the rug by squirrels with bushy bushy tales. Assertiveness can mean remaining calm and polite while seeing that your needs are met and your boundaries are not encroached upon. Also, you may want to learn kung-fu and wear an ostentatious hat.

Making the choice to be patient but assertive exercises and maintains your self-confidence muscle, located somewhere around your glutes. Working that muscle out, especially when first starting, can be a slow and tiring process, so begin with light weights if you must. Try being assertive and polite in just one small aspect of life. Perhaps ask for more complimentary bread sticks. Gradually work your way up to telling the waiter he has gorgeous eyes and requesting that he grind the pepper more “suggestively”. Just remember: baby steps!

Consider: All your friends are wearing polyester leisure suits. You, however, feel ridiculous in one. Choosing to don less funky vestments, despite the fact that everyone else has boogie fever, could be a great way of exercising that self-confidence muscle.

Contrariwise, perhaps staying in your comfort zone all the time might not be a benefit to your confidence. Maybe polyester leisure suits are the way to go… maybe add a huge gold medallion necklace and get a Jheri Curl? Sure, some self-proclaimed fashion police might poke fun at your eclectic retro choices but if dressing that way brings you joy then own it you gorgeous disco queen! My God, you’re beautiful!

We already mentioned making mistakes. It’s easy to believe hiding mistakes and shifting blame might be in keeping with a dependable reputation but having the reputation of one who never takes responsibility for their mistakes makes others want to bap you with their claws. Don’t blame the cat for that horrendous stink you made. The cat already disrespects you enough as it is. Why make matters worse? Be brave, own up to your smells and the consequences. It’s a good feeling. Your confidence will thank you. Your cat will hork a hairball next to your bed by way of gratitude.

Another misconception a person with low self-confidence might fall into is feeling the need to constantly toot their own horn. Horns are very personal items and you’d think others would prefer you stay away from theirs but quite the opposite is true. People love having their horn tooted by someone else and usually hold others in contempt for frequently tooting their own. I don’t fully understanding how this plays out in a full orchestra but this is the way it’s done. Just leave your horn alone, please! And when someone does toot your horn for you just say thank you and maybe curtsy a bit.

Have you ever noticed smaller people often have big personalities while extremely tall people try to diminish their stature. It’s not a constant rule but you see it. One of these examples demonstrates a great amount of self-confidence solely by how they stand, walk, and punch you in the face for making fun of them. The other example is very tall. Body language plays a huge role not only in presenting confidence but also in actually strengthening it no matter your size. Don’t slouch, hunch, hunker, or squat while walking or standing. In fact, unless you’re gathered around a campfire, I would advise you to avoid squatting during most social situations.

Eye contact is certainly important when connecting with a person but even more important is a gentle and friendly countenance. If you can project this attitude with sincerity while interacting with people, it will speak volumes over mere eye contact. Too often motivated go-getters hear the importance of eye contact and adopt a soul-piercing gaze that not only makes others intensely uncomfortable but compels them to protect their jugular. Just be friendly and human! Don’t exsanguinate people!

Ask questions! There are no stupid questions and if someone is making you feel stupid for asking stupid questions tell them they’re stupid for making people feel stupid. When you can confidently answer other people’s stupid questions without making them feel stupid, congratulations, you’re confident and you have people’s confidence and you’re strengthening your self-confidence… confidently.

Self-confidence, when done right can even be infectious, but don’t worry about covering your mouth when you have this affliction. Give it to everyone you know just like chicken pox! When you can speak clearly, exude non-threatening enthusiasm for the tasks at hand, and demonstrate your knowledge and know-how on a matter in your charge, people will give you their confidence which will bolster yours! Just keep working that confidence muscle… and your glutes.