Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

I never read this or if I did I certainly didn’t pay attention to it. We were always reading something in class with titles that probably made sense for the story but just blended together in my brain. Where the Red Fern Grows, My Side of the Mountain, The Catcher in the Rye, The Grapes of Wrath. My parents would ask what I’m reading and I’d peer over my book, wall-eyed and heavy-lidded, a bit of drool hanging from my slack-jawed mouth.

“My Side of the Red Rye Grape Ferns, Wrath Grows Where the Mountain Catches, the the of the The in the The of I DON’T KNOW! IT’S ALL THE SAME CRAP!”

I don’t feel that way about a lot of the classics today, now that I’ve been able to read them at my own pace for my own enjoyment without anybody quizzing me on the minutia and expecting a report by Friday. I don’t learn well under pressure. I now write these reports of my own recognizance, under no duress.

Honestly! The least these writers could do is spice up the titles a bit. Instead of “Where the Red Fern Grows” we could have Hell Hounds vs. Mutant Racoons: Fight to the Death!

“My Side of the Mountain” could be called “Falcon Master: Wings of Fury!

“Catcher in the Rye” is now “Sex! Sex! And More Sex!” (In retrospect I’m sure we did NOT read this one in school.)

“The Grapes of Wrath” shall henceforth be known as “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sans Charlie, and the Chocolate, and the Factory… Okay, I’m Going to Level with You, Someone Dies or Mysteriously Disappears in Every Scene, That’s the Only Similarity.”

See? Tell me these titles wouldn’t spark your interest.

Anyway, I liked Where the Red Fern Grows for the most part. Spoiler alert! Don’t watch this if you’re a dog lover. Or if you’re a dog. Or a lover. In fact, if you’re not a dog lover, please put me on your DO NOT CALL list.

The middle part is pretty good though. Billy must purchase and train two hellhounds to combat the ever growing population of mutant racoons. I jest! I jive. I kid! But that is the plot in a nutshell.

Eventually there’s a competition to see whose dogs can catch the most racoons in a night but something semi-tragic happens and in that moment Billy mutates from boy to man. There could be some contention as to who technically won the competition but what actually transpires is epic. It is an instance of not only true sportsmanship but a moving example of human compassion. It’s just and right and I loved it. After that scene, turn the movie off. The rest is unimportant.

The woman who played Billy’s mom seems so internally angry all the time. I have to wonder if she was directed that way or if she’s just not a good actress. Unfurrow your brow, lady! I seriously couldn’t figure out why she was so pissed all the time. Her husband was irrevocably jovial. She had a nice couple of well behaved hard working kids. So she lived in the Ozarks during the Great Depression. Hardly a reason to be angry.

Billy the Kid was a decent actor. Oops, sorry.

Billy, the kid, was a decent actor. I know nothing about Billy the Kid’s acting abilities but he was great in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. It’s always cool to see a kid pull off a character like this though. I imagine it was a demanding role. Well done, Stewart Peterson. 

I hear there’s a sequel to this? Where the Red Fern Grows 2! And it stars Wilford Brimley!?! Diabeetus! I’m a diabetic apparently and I still think it’s funny how he says it.

I can’t figure out if Where the Red Fern Grows 2 is based on an actual book by Wilson Rawls or if someone just made this because they hated the first film but I do know it should have been called Where the Red Fern Grows, Part 2: Revenge of the Hellhounds. I might actually watch it then. Ah, who am I kidding?