Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

Me:

This product is not remotely close to what was advertised. I want my money back now! You should be ashamed. If you can’t produce the same thing as the ridiculous AI art ad showed maybe you should get sued for false advertising. Return the money to me quickly.

Thieves:

We understand that maybe you are dissatisfied with the order, to assist us in resolving this matter, could you kindly share some photos/short videos of the product that you believe has a problem as follows?

1. Clear pictures and a video of all the items received.

2. A clear picture with the tracking number.

3. A clear picture with the SKU number shown under the bar code on the package.

Thank you for your cooperation in providing the requested images/videos. Your assistance is essential in resolving this matter.

May you be happy the whole year through!

Me:

Here is a picture and video of the item looking nothing like what was shown in the advertisement. Here is also a picture of the email confirmation with order number. Also included is a picture of the unfinished website the link in the email leads to when I click on the button titled “check order details”. There are no order details. This is all you have sent me and all you have available. Anything I don’t have that you want is your own problem. Now give back my money now!

Thieves:

We understand that the product you received may not fully align with your expectations based on our website’s description. However, we believe that it still possesses value and functionality. To compensate for the discrepancy, we would like to offer you a 20% refund for the product.

By opting to retain the product and accept the partial refund, you will have the opportunity to benefit from its usability while receiving compensation for the inconsistency in its description.

We look forward to hearing from you and resolving this issue promptly.

May you be happy the whole year through!

Me:

Your proposal is unacceptable. This product is unusable for anything it was advertised for. A 20% return leaves with you an exorbitant amount far beyond what I would be willing to pay considering the actuality of this lazy excuse for a mug. I will gladly send it back at your expense if you think it so useful. Please return the full amount to me without further delay.

Thieves:

I’ve noted that you declined the compensation solution offered before. In light of the situation, we would like to propose an alternative solution to address your concerns. We can offer you one of the following options:

1. No returning the item, and refunding 40% of the amount of the product.

2. Paying the fees to return the item and refund all your payments, we are unable to provide a prepaid return label.

May you be happy the whole year through!

Me:

If I choose to send this back to receive full refund of all my payments, will this include the amount I will have to pay for shipping? Will I be reimbursed for the shipping fees required to send this back to you? Where do I send this?

Thieves:

We are sorry to hear that you would like to return your purchase. Your satisfaction is important to us, and we are here to assist you with the return process. However, you need to pay the shipping fee incurred by returning the goods, which will cost you about 20 USD and the return time may last for about one month according to our experience.

If you still insist on a return, below, you will find the return address and instructions:

Consignee: Huang Zhi Heng

Street address: Room 401, Fadada Building, Jincai Industrial Park, Dagaoxin Street, Qingxi Town

Zipcode: 523660

City: Dongguan

State: Guangdong

Country: China

Return Instructions:

1. Please ensure that the item(s) you are returning are in their original condition, including all tags, packaging, and accessories.

2. Securely package the item(s) to prevent damage during transit.

3. Please retain the tracking number and any return receipt as proof of your return shipment.

4. Once we receive the returned item(s) and inspect them, we will process your refund or exchange, as per your request.

May you be happy the whole year through!

Me:

Here are your options:

you can

1) Pay for shipping and give me a full refund and I will send the product to you.

OR

2) Abandon your hope of receiving this product back and give me a full refund.

OR

3) Expect a lawsuit for false advertising and fraud.

Thieves:

According to our company policy, if you want a 100% refund, you must need to return the package to the address we provided to you. And you need to pay the shipping fee.

Or please reconsider the 40% refund we provided before.

May you be happy the whole year through!

Me:

Your policy is in reference to customers who are dissatisfied with the product AS ADVERTISED. What you sent me is not what was advertised. If the product was defective or broken and you could replace it with a similar but non-defective product which reflects what you have advertised I would be satisfied. But I am certain you cannot supply me with what was advertised because you used Artifical Intelligence generated artwork to FOOL PEOPLE. Your policy is not applicable because you are committing FALSE ADVERTISING. I suggest you refund the full amount immediately. If you want your garbage back you can pay for shipping.

Thieves:

We regret to tell you that 40% refund is the best we can do for you. 

If you agree with this solution, the refund will be issued to you within 24 hours once we receive your confirmation.

If you don’t accept it, you can only return the package to the address we provided to you. We have tried our best to help you. Please consider this proposal, otherwise we won’t be able to give you any help.

May you be happy the whole year through!

Me:

Your “best” to assist me in this matter is no better than the effort your company puts into your product. You are thieves. I will accept nothing short of a full refund. Your company will be destitute before the end of the month. I swear it. I shall return this item but not before filling it with something just as undesirable to you as this item was to me.

May you be happy the whole year through!