Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

I’d be surprised if anyone remembers this incarnation of Fantasy Island. It was very short lived with only one season. I don’t know much about the original show so I can’t really make a comparison. In fact this is the only version of the show I’ve seen at all. The old one never interested me. The horror movie based on Fantasy Island looked horrible. I can’t find the version with Michael Peña and frankly, what I saw didn’t exactly blow my skirt up. But I found this on YouTube so I watched it! Finally!

See, I started watching this version when it was on tv. I was 16. My friends had all gotten into it too and we would get together and talk about it. We did not get together for the purpose of talking about this show. That’s an important point because I don’t want to imply in any way that this show was worth the effort of a purposeful congregation.

Fantasy Island, as I understand it, features regular people, who usually have some important lesson to learn, who get whisked off to Fantasy Island presided over by a mysterious Mr. Roarke who seems to be able to create fantasies for people which ultimately result in them learning that important lesson in very applicable ways. It’s a “Be careful what you wish for” show but it manages to keep it interesting for the most part.

The 1998 version started off great! Malcom McDowell is fascinating as Mr. Roarke and brings a welcome sinister edge to the character which I loved. Part of what disinterested me from the original show is how nicey-nice Ricardo Montalban was. That may be an unfair assessment as, again, I haven’t actually watched much of his portrayal. McDowell seems downright cynical at times and utterly disdainful at some of the fantasies he’d be required to manifest.

I also appreciated the hints at Roarke’s background story. Honestly, that’s what kept me hooked. Montalban, in an interview, said he believed Roarke was some kind of fallen angel whose penance was facilitating this island and teaching people valuable lessons in life. I think they (gnomes) ran with that idea in the 1998 version and even asked “What did this guy do to become fallen?” Even Roarke’s workers seem to be previously living tortured souls forced to serve out a sentence.

Unfortunately because of reasons involving being 16 and living in my parents house, I wasn’t able to finish this show. (It was at the same time as Jeopardy.) When I got back to my friends they were incredulous! I wanted to hear what had happened on the show but instead of excited reminiscing, I heard sneering and mocking! What had happened? We didn’t have streaming services back then! If we missed something we just missed it. And if it was a terrible show it might not ever make it onto vhs for purchase.

All the talk centered around Dolphin girl. Dolphin girl this and dolphin girl that.

“So this guy,” scoffed my friend, “ He’s in love with this girl but it turns out she’s a dolphin! She speaks dolphin and she can breach out of the water like a dolphin cuz she’s a dolphin. Dolphin!”

“Okay! Please stop saying dolphin!”

“It was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen.”

But it would be 27 years before I’d ever get to experience this stupidity first hand. I finally watched every episode on YouTube and I finally saw the dolphin girl episode. It was Jennifer Garner.

That’s right. I’d seen the Dolphin Girl in several movies between then and now. No wonder she was so awesome as Electric Nachos in the Ben Afleck Daredevil movie! It’s because SHE was Dolphin Girl!

And yeah, the dolphin girl episode was pretty stupid. Sadly the rest of the show was only nominally better. There was the episode where a guy was so unrepentant he literally grew horns and became the devil. There was the episode where a guy goes to his own imaginary land he dreamed up as a child. Nothing close to the quality of the first few episodes. By the end they were already phasing out characters and clearly setting up a replacement for Malcom McDowell. Ho hum.

I liked the show’s concept but it must be hard to keep this kind of thing interesting for modern audiences. My friends certainly didn’t buy it and they all have exquisite tastes and eclectic standards, cream of the crop that they are.

I’m glad I could finally see this in its single season entirety. I will now and forever regard Jennifer Garner with awe and wonder, knowing she’s out there somewhere frolicking amongst the waves with her dolphin brethren. May you always avoid the albacore nets.